Another Thanksgiving to be Thankful for

Sorry it has been a while since I have written anything.... I have been busy with appointments and of course the holiday! I love the Fall, and this year I have greatly enjoyed it for many different reasons. First of all, I am so thankful to be here to see this Fall. Last October my doctor felt I had 6 months to live. The Lord has graciously allowed me to be here to enjoy the best Fall I have seen in years! We had beautiful colors for several months! Last Fall the leaves had just started to change when a storm hit and all the leaves fell off the trees!

I enjoyed several walks with Mackenzie and was amazed at God's handiwork. We both collected leaves on each walk and used them to decorate with. We did projects with them and was able to enjoy them even longer.  Each Fall since being diagnosed I have had to deal with hard parts of treatment as well as bad PET results. This year was no different, but the Lord has given me the strength to make it through and still be able to enjoy nature's beauty.

As you all know I received a pretty bad PET result in September. I had 6 spots on my liver, a spot in the lymph node by my stomach, and a questionable spot on my T1 vertebrae. I went through 2 rounds of chemo, i.e. 6 weeks of treatment. Then we did another PET scan. in those 6 weeks God performed another miracle! This PET showed nothing in the liver or anywhere else, except the spot in my vertebrae. PrAiSe ThE LoRd!!!! My doctors were shocked and amazed!

My radiation oncologist put both PET scans up side by side for me to see. The difference was shocking. The first PET was completely brighter (By this I mean my entire torso was lit up with the spots they pointed out as cancer brighter then the rest) The new scan was entirely darker and no spots except my spine... the entire spine is lit up with the spot on the T1 vertebrae brighter. They are unsure if this is cancer or a bone marrow issue. However, I am now undergoing a chemo for the bone that works for cancer and the bone marrow. Hopefully this will help.

I am again amazed and humbled by the Lord's answer to prayer. He is our Great Physician, and only He knows where our path leads. I pray He allows this to continue, but even if He doesn't He has given me much more time then my doctors ever felt was possible and that alone requires my thanks!

Thanksgiving... it is not just a holiday. It is everywhere, all the time, in everything. Praise God from whom all blessings flow!

Conversations with God

I try to keep my thoughts in check when it comes to how I feel about things... I also try to never express them out loud. I feel the devil can use that as fire in his war against us. However, I have been burdened recently to share some of my thoughts and feelings during these times. I have this unrelenting feeling that just maybe it can help someone else who is going through a battle. It may be a physical battle or an emotional battle or like mine, both.

Recently I have been doing a Bible study on the book of Job with a friend. I have found so often that I share some of the same feelings Job does. Although I am not comparing my experiences to Job's, or the reason why he was suffering to mine either. Like Job, I have no idea why I am going through this, and like Job I have experienced one thing after another (although not as quickly as Job). 

I struggle with why God will not take this cancer away from me. I have not really questioned Him as to why me, but I have asked many times why now.. why this.. why won't it stop. I have, like Job, wondered why God ever created me if this was what He was going to put me through. I know God is good and is not vindictive, but I have so many times felt that for some reason He is picking on me. I know that sounds ridiculous and petty, but it is a feeling I have had often. For instance, my cancer was finally going away and I was able to take a break from chemo... FINALLY!!! I was off for a month and my hair was growing back a little, I was getting more energy, and I was having to run around less for doctor appointments. Life was somewhat normal. Then Dean starts having problems again at work. His boss decides to cut his pay by $1.50. I start getting pains in my stomach again and more dizziness. Then I find out my cancer has returned once again and is worse then it has ever been. So chemo again, which means more fatigue, more nausea, more hair loss. On top of that I have to have radiation surgery on my brain. Plus, my husband was thrown on second shift which left me responsible for Kenzie's care non-stop without help... The list goes on and on and on. 

Each time something new is added to the list it makes me feel like God is saying "oh wait, here take this and this..." Again, I know He doesn't work that way and I am sure the devil is responsible for it, but my mind keeps telling me God can stop it so why is He allowing all of this to happen and can't He ever just give me a break. I fight the feeling that God has something against me. Off and on I have wondered, as Job's friends did, if I have some sin I am being punished for. I have searched my heart and looked for any unconfessed sin and I have not found any. I am not trying to compare myself to Job. I can't imagine God telling Satan I am an upright and righteous women and giving him permission to test me. I am far from perfect and have done my fair share of sinning, but I do try to keep a short account of my sin. 

So, I don't think God is punishing me for sin. He has told us that if we ask Him to forgive us He does. So I know my sins have been forgiven. I am very thankful that I do not have any friends like Job who come to "comfort" him but just condemn him for some hidden sin when it was not the fact. I have no idea if any of them are thinking that, but I am glad no one has said it to my face!

This battle has been one thing after another for over 2 1/2 years. It is never ending, and I feel like I can never get a break. It is hard to separate my emotions with the facts I know about God. It is hard to picture God is perfect and... well... God, rather then with the imperfections we all have. I have to remind myself often that God is not vindictive. He does not choose favorites. He does not do things just to get a kick out of it and maybe have a good laugh at someone. These are things imperfect humans do not God. 

Emotions are hard to handle just as the unknown is hard to deal with. Job expressed his agony at losing everything but his wife and one servant. He talks about his pain at having his friends accuse him of sin when he knew he had none. He says he wishes he would never have been born. It would have been easier on him and his loved ones if he had never been born.. this I understand. If I have never been born I would never have loved or been loved. I would not have experienced this pain and the pain of knowing I will be leaving my loved ones. Nor would the ones I love have had to deal with all the downs of this illness in the end resulting in the pain of loss. 

Throughout all of Job's struggle, he never knew why he was going through it. He didn't know that God was allowing Satan to test him because He knew he was a good, upright, righteous man. Satan was trying to prove that if Job wasn't blessed in his life but made to suffer he would turn his back on God. Although job never knew this, he also never turned his back on God! He expressed his pain and the emotions he went through, but he remained good and upright and stood with God! I pray I too can stay standing with God and not allow my hurt and anger to take over. I wish I knew why I have to go through this... I wish God would see fit to make it stop... He may never let me know why... He will make it stop though. Whether He decides to perform a miracle and take it away, or whether He takes me to Heaven. It will stop, and when I get to Heaven I will finally know the why.

If you are struggling in a battle of your own just remember to lean on God. Trust in Him even when your mind tells you He has betrayed you and He is the reason you are in the battle. Remember it is not God who causes these things, but Satan who walks about seeking whom he may devour. Once sin entered into this world suffering began. We will all suffer in someway or another in our lives, but if we look around us we will also see the blessings. 

God has blessed me in so many ways, and many of these blessings would never have been seen in my life if I had not gone through all of this. In all things I can find something to thank God for... this is what I have to keep my mind dwelling on. This is what keeps me going and keeps me sane. Finding the blessings! Look for your blessings. Find things to praise the Lord for... this helps take away the pain of our suffering and loss. Stay strong, keep the faith, fight for what is right, and never forsake God.

And the Treatments go on.. and on.. and on...

After meeting with the Radiation oncologist and discussing the pro's and con's and possible side effects of Stereotactic Radiation surgery, we decided to go ahead with it... I really didn't have much option. I could allow it to continue to grow, have the radiation surgery, or whole brain radiation... Kind of was a no brainer.

Stereotactic Radiation surgery is radiation focused on a specific point. The goal is to eradicate the tumor while not affecting very much of the healthy brain cells. My husband and I met with the radiation oncologist Monday and received a call Tuesday that they wanted to do the procedure Wednesday... So yesterday morning we made it to the hospital at 7am. By 8am I was being taken down to have the halo attached. I was extremely nervous about having this screwed into my head. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. They numbed my head in 4 different areas. They then hand screwed in the halo. Once they got the screws in it caused a ton of pressure, but after a while the pressure went down and it was just a small ache.

After they got the halo on they then attached the halo (and me of course) to a CAT scan machine and did a scan of my brain. I then was taken back to my room to sit and wait for them to get the plan made. The only bad part about the waiting was still having the halo attached to my head. It did not allow me to rest my head or neck. I had to hold it up all day. My shoulders and neck were not pleased with this.... 2:30 they were done with the plan and took me back down to do the procedure.

For the procedure they attached the halo to the table so I could not move at all. Then they used 5 beams at different angles to perform the surgery. This only took 20 minutes. They then removed the halo... which actually hurt worse then going in. The pressure in my head and sinuses was horrible! Then as it started to go down the "holes" started to hurt and my stomach got so upset. Fortunately this did not last all night.

So we were at the hospital at 7 am and left at 4pm... amazing considering all they had to do in the day.
There aren't supposed to be any long term side effects... so that is good. At this point I just have pain where the screws were in, a sore throat, sinus pressure, and fatigue. Hopefully this will be gone in a couple days.

I start chemotherapy Thursday, October 6th. I will be going once a week, 2 weeks on 1 week off. The radiation oncologists plans for this procedure to have taken care of the tumor in the brain, and now the chemo will be to control the rest of the cancer. My prayer once again is to stop it all together... Thank you all for your prayers and encouragement during all of this.

What runs through my mind....

With once again facing the possible beginning of the end for me, there is a lot of things going through my mind. Most of the time I try not to think about it, because it is too painful. When I received the call that there was a tumor in my brain and 6 spots in my liver on top of the lymph node near my stomach and the two questionable spots - one on my left, 2nd rib and the other on my T1 vertebrae. I broke down at this point, and Kenzie was in the room. She was so sweet. She gave me a kleenex, hugged me, and told me it's okay don't cry... of course that made me cry more.

I learned a valuable lesson that day... I heard Kenzie get up from her nap... then I heard her run back to her room. I went upstairs and she was in her bed completely under the blankets. I flipped the blankets back and asked her if she wanted to go for a walk. She pulled the blankets back over her head and told me she didn't want to get up... then she started crying. It took me a while to calm her down so we could go on a walk, but the rest of the day she was moody. Lesson? Don't cry in front of her. She feels so much and it upset her. She may not understand what is happening but she knows something is happening and she knows it is not good.

Also, during this time I've had a few people try to encourage me and make sure I don't turn my back on or become angry with God. I have to say turning my back on Him never came to my mind.. One of the other things mentioned to me was how people in similar situations have a hard time believing that God is good... again this never crossed my mind. My faith in God is set. I will not turn my back on Him. I also know that God is good, but He does not allow only good to come to us. When sin entered into the world so did evil, and no matter what we do or who we are we will experience both good and evil. We will have blessings and trials. I have experienced anger and frustration. I have put all my faith and hope in my prayers for healing and I believed He would heal me... but it just gets worse. Then my hopes are dashed and honestly that is worse then expecting the worst and getting it.

What I don't understand is why God, who is all powerful, is not choosing to perform a miracle and stop the cancer. For over 2 years I have begged and pleaded for God to heal me, to give me more time. I guess He has technically done a little of both. He stopped the cancer for a couple of months, and I'm still here although my doctor felt my time would have ran out months ago. But that was not my prayer or what I was believing He would do. It is very hard to keep having faith in something when the results are a continuous downward spiral. I have had faith as the women who touched Jesus' cloak.. that if I believed He would heal me. Faith the grain of a mustard seed can move mountains.. why can't it heal me.

I know we do not always get what we want. I know that we can not control our time on this earth... but we are told to pray believing and have faith because God can do anything. When do we accept what is going to happen and stop praying for a miracle? When are we supposed to come to terms with what God has for us and stop asking Him to change it? I guess I don't understand this part, and am not sure what I am supposed to do now.

The hardest part for me is knowing I will be leaving Mackenzie behind. She's just a baby. She will not remember me. I won't be here to take care of her or help her. I have to give all control over to those I am leaving behind. Not having control over what happens to her is what kills me. I want a plan. I want to make sure Dean will be okay and will be able to take care of our baby. I want her to remember me. To know that although I wasn't allowed to stay here with her I love her and always will love her. I want to know that she will be loved and cared for as I would have done.

When you prepare and think about your future you do not think or prepare for death...  it just doesn't seem natural. Of course, we are to live our lives in such a way that we are laying up treasures in Heaven which in a sense is preparing for death, but it just doesn't seem the same to me.

For those of you who do not know what to say to me... it is okay. I don't know what to say either! I appreciate those people who are sensitive to Mackenzie's presence. I know some people feel I should talk to someone who has the same cancer as me, and honestly at the beginning I wanted that. Now, there really aren't anything I can ask them that I don't already know. Also, I am much better communicating my feelings via email then on the phone. I don't want to be emotional all the time and voicing my feelings makes me want to cry. And I hate talking on the phone! :)

So, what's running through my mind? questions only God can answer... thoughts of a future I was planning but only God knows the number of our days... trying to control the future, but God is the only all powerful one. Confusion, chaos, frustration, sadness, pain... this is what my mind has become. But as has happened before, I am sure God will give me peace and the ability to make it through this battle too.

The Never Ending Battle

I have been experiencing more dizziness, growing fatigue, and nausea. I held off telling my oncologist about this because it was around Kenzie's birthday and I didn't want to once again ruin it!


She ordered a PET and MRI right away. I had both yesterday. The PET showed 6 tumors in my liver, a lymph node by my stomach, a spot on my chest in a rib, and in my T1 vertebra. The one on my chest they believe is probably radiation, dead tissue, and the injury showing up. They are not sure if the vertebra is cancer or not....


My MRI showed the same spot in my brain. They feel it is growing and taking the shape of cancer. They are very concerned it is the cancer and want to do radio-surgery. This is where they would screw a halo into my head and in an all day ordeal set me up to do a one time focal point radiation on the spot.


The spot in my brain is in the front left lobe. My oncologist feels it is near my motor cortex, but my radiation oncologist feels it is near the emotional area... confusing to me. My oncologist also felt it is not in the right area to cause my continued symptoms... I am not sure what to think.


I have a meeting with the radiation oncologist Monday to discuss it and the pros and cons and side effects. I am not sure how I feel about having my brain radiated but don't think I have a choice.


**I know many of you are thinking... How am I doing.. What am I feeling... It is hard to answer when people ask because I don't even really know and thinking about it makes me cry.


So I will give my best attempt here...


I tried not to cry while getting part of this news in the doctors office yesterday but in the end couldn't help it. My parents were there so dad held me while I cried. Then my oncologist with tears in her eyes told me how sorry she is and how she hates to give me this news.. Then she gave me a hug as well. God has given me a doctor who has connected with me.. Praise the Lord.


When I got home Kenzie was getting ready for bed. I read her a story kissed her and came downstairs to talk to my mother-in-law. After she left I crawled into bed with my baby girl and held her for 2 hours. (Dean is working second shift now so he wasn't home) I prayed and I cried and I begged God for more time.I begged him again as I have over and over to PLEASE provide a miracle and let me be here for my baby. 


The thoughts that have run through my head are: why won't God stop this? Why can't I ever get a break? Will I be here for Kenzie's 4th birthday? How will Kenzie handle losing her mother and growing up without her mom? How will Dean be able to work and raise Kenzie on his own? 


I know God can heal me... I don't know why He won't choose to. I know God loves me, I just wish He'd show it more clearly. I know He has the power to cure me, but why won't He.


I know there is a reason for everything. For me it would be so much easier to deal with if I knew that reason. However, I don't know the reason and will have to continue to trust in God and His ability to comfort me and take away my fear and frustration.


I am studying Job right now and find I can totally understand how he feels. I understand cursing the day I was born. If I hadn't been born I would not have built relationships, loved, invested my life in others... I would not be feeling the pain of leaving them nor them me. Job didn't know he was being tested by Satan because God saw him as just and upright, but he remained steadfast in his devotion to God. I highly doubt God sees me as He saw Job and allowed Satan the power to test him because of it.. BUT I can keep my integrity and do what is right amongst pain and fear.


I have felt anger, frustration, hopelessness, exhaustion... I feel like this is a never ending battle and I just want it to stop, but I need to continue to fight. And as I have done for over 2 years now as this settles in I will put it in the back of my mind and not dwell on it. Of course it will be there but I will ignore it and continue on.


p.s.


I try not to be emotional in front of Kenzie but after my doctor called with the MRI results I couldn't help it. I tried to just play with her an not think about it but looking at her hurt. I started to cry and she went and got me a kleenex. Told me to blow my nose, rubbed my cheek, gave me a kiss and told me not try cry that she love me. Then she said she was sad too.... God knows what I need and He provides it.

The Internal Battle

Many times through these last couple years I have heard "You look great", "You'd never know you have cancer", etc... While these things are great to hear.. and I am glad I don't look like death walking. The only problem is since I don't look like I am sick people tend to forget that I am fighting for my life. Even my husband will act like I should be able to do more then I am doing, and has to be reminded that I have terminal cancer and am still receiving treatment plus still have effects from the radiation.

In the past couple months I have talked to a few people who have mentioned to me that they know of someone else with cancer and how they just look so good, and some of these people have realized that looks can be deceiving. I felt I should touch on this subject and give you all the perspective of the "sick" person. I am hoping to help others understand more of what it is like so you can better help the ones you know who are battling an illness.

From the very beginning I have looked perfectly healthy. Yes, I lost my hair (twice now), but besides being bald (and losing my breasts) I looked fine. Yet I was receiving chemotherapy that made me very sick. I have had times of nausea, extreme fatigue, dizziness, muscle pain, numbness and tingling in hands and feet, open sores on my hands and feet, blurred vision... and that was just some of the effects of the chemo.

Then we move onto the surgery. I couldn't lift or hold my child for weeks. I had these tubes and drains hangin out of me. I slept in a recliner for over a month with ice packs on me. After this I went into radiation treatment. This caused additional fatigue and at the end open wounds and burns. I also have lymphedema that I still fight with all the time. My arm always hurts and swells easily which causes additional pain. The first radiation exasterbated this and caused scarring on the chest wall which caused muscle spasms.

I continued on more chemotherapy then again had more radiation. All of this has piled on more fatigue and more scarring. I am now to the point that I do not have very much range of motion in my left arm. The pectoral muscle is a steel rod (as my physical therapist says). The skin and muscle have adhered itself to my ribs. My PT and I are in the process of trying to break the scarring free to allow more movement and get the fluid out of the area. This fluid build up also causes alot of pain.

The point I am trying to make is this, Looks can be Deceiving. Although I "look" perfectly healthy. I am still battling cancer, chemotherapy and radiation effects, and emotions. I do not spend time complaining about these things to other people, because I do not want to always be complaining. I do not want people to only hear me talk about my problems. When people ask me how I am doing I say "pretty good" or "not too bad". I have 2 reasons for this. Reason 1: No one wants to hear complaining all the time. Reason 2: it is hard to tell if someone is asking me in general or really wants to know. If you want to really know what is going on ask more specific questions. This will tell them you really want to know how they are feeling and if they need anything.

Your friends or family who are fighting cancer or some other illness still need you. Do not take it for granted that because they look good they are good. Also remember, especially for those who have been battling it for a long time, they probably will not ask you for help. You will need to offer help. Don't just say "hey if you need anything let me know" If they are anything like me they won't.

WHY? People have helped you often and you start to feel like you are bothering people. You feel like you are a burden not a friend. When the battle goes on and on forever you feel like the only time you see your friends or family is when they have to help you. You don't want people to feel like you are using them, and you start to feel bad needing help although you can not help it.

It takes alot of help... I have to find a driver and a babysitter each time I go to the hospital for treatment, and a babysitter twice a week for physical therapy. I have to ask people to help me with these things. Other things, day to day things, I have been able to do on my own. This I am thankful for. Although I have had some times when it would have been easier to have help with Kenzie, but if I can do it myself I will not ask someone.. even if it would be easier... I have asked people for help enough I feel bad asking for more.

Also, remember your friend may not know if or when you are available to help, or even what you are willing to do. This has been one of my problems. I do not know who else to ask or if anyone else is even available so I have to ask the same people all the time.

Make yourself easily available and accessable. If you want to help, let your friend know you do and that you are serious about helping. If you have a free day and want to help out or visit call them up see if they will be home and want company. Sometimes it is just nice to have someone to visit with and break up the monotony of the days.

Also, remember each person is different and may need different things. Maybe your friend would just appreciate a phone call... I for one am not one of those types of people. I would much rather talk in person. I really don't like talking on the phone.. You probably know best what your friend would enjoy, but you can always ask!

Most importantly, no matter how good your friend looks. Always pray for them!! They need it physically and emotionally. This battle is fought on so many different levels, and everyone can offer some sort of help. Prayers are definitely an easy way to help the ones you love. It is something you can do at anytime, and will always help.

Waiting for the unknown

I have never been very good at waiting... I am the type of person who likes to give and open gifts early!  I mean really... when you get a gift for someone aren't you just so excited about giving it to them that you want to give it to them now! And I know there has to be a rule about gifts coming in the mail. When it comes in the mail you don't have to wait until the day, you get to open it right away!

I say all that simply to show slight proof of my lack of waiting skills. I don't like it in anything. I want to know what is going on right now, not tomorrow. I get anxious waiting to find out information in regards to my health.

Needless to say, during this entire battle it has been non-stop waiting. Waiting and worrying for the unknown. Worst of all it seems to never end. Just when I am given some good news, I am also given some "this may be bad, but we don't know" news with it. Talk about nerve racking! I can never celebrate the good news, because attached to it is a dark cloud of fear of the unknown.

I was positive after my first round of chemo and surgery that I had beat this thing... but not even 2 weeks later there was an unknown rash on my chest... turned out to be cancer, but the radiation was supposed to take care of it and appeared to. At that point I again thought, "I am done, we got it". I was on oral chemo for 6 months after that, and 2 months after I stopped chemo another rash appeared... the cancer again was back.

By this point I had given up thinking I was done. I knew I wasn't and my doctor made sure I knew that there was no chance of beating it. Plus the disappointment in having my hopes dashed nonstop was too much. I'd rather think on the worse side and be given good news then think it's all good and be given bad news.

I again had radiation to stop it, then began chemo once again. Through out this treatment I was preparing for the end. I began writing letters to Kenzie, and putting away things I wanted her to have. I even went through my closet and got rid of things I thought I'd never wear again. My doctor had made it quite clear that at stage IV this cancer was going to take my life, and with the aggressive nature of my cancer she only gave me 6 months.

Throughout these months my cancer continued to spread and grow although I was receiving treatment. It was during this that a friend told me about the clinic in GA. In talking to the doctor there I actually got a dash of hope. Hope I was afraid to even grasp on to, but wanted so badly to have. It was this treatment that finally turned my cancer around.

Finally my scans showed the cancer to be shrinking! I was so excited! The next scan showed the cancer to be gone in my liver and not growing in the other areas... and of course there was a but... BUT the redness on my chest had showed in the scan as lighting up brighter and may be the cancer...

So again we wait and re-scan. The next scan it lights up less so it probably isn't cancer, but my doctor makes sure I know she feels it is only a short time before it begins to grow again. Then some of the symptoms I was experiencing makes my doctor worry it may be in the brain. So another scan and the answer "there is a questionable area in the brain but we can't say for sure if it is or isn't cancer"! So again we wait... and wait... then rescan. The results "the spot is still there. We can't say if it is or isn't cancer, but if it is it's not growing so that's good" Again we wait. During this time I am not receiving any chemo so the cancer could very well be spreading in other organs and we wouldn't even know, because my doctor wants to wait 3 months before we scan!

So I have a questionable area in my brain that may be cancer, but it's not growing so the treatment isn't worth giving until it does grow. I am getting a much needed break from the chemo, but we won't know for 3 months if that break cost us and the cancer was growing unbeknownts to us. Although my doctor does continually tell me that she feels it will grow within a couple months whether on chemo or not. So in other words in her opinion it doesn't matter what we do I have no hope.

What my doctor doesn't know, is that my God can do anything. Yes, I hate the unknown and I hate waiting, but I do have hope. Although I hate getting my hopes up and having them dashed, I do believe that God can take this cancer from me or give me more time if He so chooses. Look what He has already done! According to my doctor I should be dead by now, but he took the untraditional treatment and stopped the cancer from growing and reversed some of it! He did what she didn't think was possible!

If I didn't have God to lean on during this "wait and see time" I think I would lose my mind! I don't know how someone who doesn't have faith in God can make it through cancer. He is my strength and hope. He holds me up when I can't go on. He also gives me peace in the knowledge of life after death. I know that if I don't win this battle it is okay. Although I don't want to leave my earthly family, I know that in death I get to be with Christ. He has prepared a home for me! Without that knowledge I would have no hope, no peace.

However, even in death that is still waiting for the unknown... death is unknown to me too. I have not experienced it and don't know what to expect, so that too gives me a little anxiety. But, I know who I have believed in and am persuaded that he is able to keep that which I've commited to unto Him against that day.

1000 thanks

1. morning sunlight
2. patter of little feet
3. delicious homemade cappuccino
4. cool morning amongst hot days
5. little girl's excitement from pottying in potty chair
6. rubs from a kitty
7. little girl kisses
8. morning cuddles
9. warm showers
10. shaving cream (this may seem dumb, but really it is a huge blessing!!!)
11. kitty chasing water drops on shower curtain
12. little kisses from out of the blue
13. cuddly little girl hugs
14. I love you too's
15. friends who reach out
16. cool breeze from the air conditioner
17. continued work for my husband
18. beautiful blooms
19. bunny laying in the grass
20. giggles
21. smiles
22. tired little eyes
23. folding tiny clothes
24. energy to do some shopping
25. home grown veggies
26. homemade pumpkin oie in the oven
27. people making a point to say "hi"
28. fresh applie pie smell
29. sleepy "hi mommy"'s
30. birds singing in the trees
31. cool morning
32. Kenzie saying "Mommy, that was sweet..."
33. prayer before meals
34. reading time before bed
35. Story time with Kenzie
36. Kenzie talking to her toys
37. imagination
38. glitter and glue
39. movie time
40. dancing little munchkin
41. "look at me mom" 's
42. kisses from a sweet little girl when you don't know it's coming
43. camera to capture memories
44. "I want to take a picture" from Kenzie to me... with me
45. teaching Kenzie how to cut
46. going out with friends
47. experiencing something new for Kenzie through her eyes
48. family walks
49. people planning an outing with us
50. "You look beautiful mommy"
51. "you're my mommy!'
52. dinner with the parents
53. beauty of green plants
54. watching Kenzie wake up
55. rain lightly falling in the grass
(Mackenzie center outing)
56. sleeping skunk
57. playful otter
58. racoon climbing a fence to entertain us
59. beautiful doe playing peek a bo in the trees
60. dirt smeared smiling face
61. mountain lion gracefully pacing
62. lynx sleeping so cute on a branch
63. Kenzie's excitement to play with kids
64. invitations to hang out
65. adult conversation
66. having another woman interested in friendship
67. a chance to have honest, sincere conversation
68. knowing someone cares about me and my life
69. golden corn tassles standing tall
70. leaves moving in the breeze
71. ground hog running across the road
72. puppy chasing a butterfly
73. strangers donating money toward my cancer fund
74. brat fry's
75. quiet time
76. football season
77. parades
78. smell of rain
79. beautiful rainbows
80. sun peeking through the clouds
81. smell of freshly mowed grass
82. good physical therapist
83. muscle relief
84. Bridgette watching Kenzie
85. kids Kenzie loves to play with
86. smell of clean laundery floating on the wind
87. bright starts shining in the sky
88. peaceful evening
89. bonfires
90. smores all sticky and sweet
91. conviction to do what's right
92. anticipating my sister's visit
93. visiting with my sister
94. family games
95. cool cave on a hot day (cave of the mounds)
96. pretty colors on cave walls
97. beautiful ctalagmytes
98. digging for treasures
99. panning for "gold"
100. Kenzie's face seeing new things
101. Kenzie playing with her cousins
102. laughs and giggles
103. running and playing
104. tag and races
105. Kayla "mothering" Kenzie
106. pig races
107. horse talking to us
108. Llama lips tickling my hand
109. goat squeezing his head through the fence for food
110. baby mini horse cuddling with his mama
111. tiny baby goat playing king of the hay mound
112. Kayla, Caleb, and Nathan riding fair rides together
113. Angie, Kayla, Caleb, Kenzie and I racing on a slide
114. Kenzie and Nana riding a ferris wheel together
115. Daddy and I riding on ferris wheel
116. Family time at the fair
117. cheese curds and battered mushrooms!
118. snow cone to cool us on a super hot day
119. girl time - me, mom, and Angie
120. Shopping deals
121. Christmas shopping
122. Caleb hugs and kisses
123. Kayla hugs and cuddles
124. Nathan hugs
125."love you Auntie Mel" 's
126. Mom and Angie "cupping" me
127. Quality time with my sister
128. Kayla pushing Kenzie in the stroller
129. Kayla helping Kenzie go potty
130. Kayla pushing Kenzie on the swing
131. Kids playing tag
132. Gramps wrestling with the grandkids
133. whole family together for a BBQ
134. Pontoon Ride
135. Uncle Blake jumping in the lake so Kenzie could go in
136. Caleb driving the boat like a big boy
137. Kenzie helping steer
138. the men climbing a huge tree to put up a swing
139. awesome swing
140. Dean trying to give Angie an underdog
141. baseball with the kids
142. sticky marshmallows on Kenzie's lips
143. family jesting
144. rootbeer floats
145. a listening ear
146. good advice
147. helpful friends
148. a call from my brother
149. little girl with dry undies all night and day
150. pain subsiding
151. fresh vegetables
152. amazing blue sky
153. fluffy white clouds floating by
154. quiet walks
155. long talk with God
156. beautiful colors God painted our world with
157. black-burgandy leaves on a tree
158. differen shades of green on trees and bushes
159. contrasting textures in nature
160. Mackenzie making up songs
161. fresh baked oatmeal cookies
162. lunch with a friend
163. adult conversation
164. beautiful cool days
165. exercise
166. accountability
167. Bible study with a friend
168. slobbery Kenzie kisses
169. "cuddle me mom"'s
170. family fishing time
171. Kenzie loving to fish with her fishing "hole"
172. watching Kenzie learning to cast
173. reeling in her fish with daddy
174. a husband who works hard and long to provide for us
175. husband working on the cars
176. Kenzie licking her ice cream bowl clean
177. swinging with my baby
178. buttery corn on the cob
179. leaves just beginning to change colors
180. smell of laundry drying
181. clean sheets washed with downy
182. crisp morning air
183. sunset boat ride
184. wedding in the park
185. red roses
186. good turnout with first fondant attempt
187. playful kitty
188. meal with friends
189. dad's dessert
190. oatmeal raisin cookies scenting up my house
191. Fall decorations
192. answered prayer
193. appraisal coming back where we need it
194. 2 1/2% interest cut on loan
195. beautiful sunset on the water
196. boat ride with family and friends
197. fishing with Kenzie and Dean and friends
198. moonlight on the lake
199. help from a stranger
200. Dean's handiness
201. giving friends and neighbors
202. another year with Kenzie
203. breezy day
204. colorful flowers in my yard
205. water trickling down a waterfall
206. wonderful walk with Kenzie
207. amazing oranges, reds and yellows on a tree
208. peaceful, quiet moments in nature
209. water fountains
210. picking up colorful leaves
211. beautiful weather for Kenzie's birthday party
212. time with friends and family
213. time and ability to make Kenzie's cake
214. curious daughter
215. thoughtful friends
216. watching Kenzie play with other kids
217. the joy on Kenzie's face opening her gifts
218. pinata breaking and kids scrambling for candy
219.sense of accomplishment
220. freshly picked apples
221. gorgeous piano special
222. uplifting music
223. Kenzie running with balloons
224. imagination
225. ribbons blowing in the wind
226. memories
227. finding the perfect gift for my sister
228. Kenzie "doctoring" me
229. friends willing to help
230. quiet time with God
231. prayer
232. knowing other are praying for me
233. studying Job
234. walk with leaves scattered around me
235. thoughtful card
236. colorful mums
237. pumpkins, round and orange
238. cozy home
239. knowing my baby loves me!
240. holding Kenzie while she sleeps
241. Kenzie comforting me
242. rainbow hues in bubbles
243. Kenzie chasing bubbles
244. making a leaf craft with Kenzie
245. comfort from a friend
246. parents trying to hid that they are worried
247. hovering parents because they care
248. beautiful weather for a walk
249. bright red leaves
250. candle burning
251. quick timing for radio surgery
252. good doctors
253. drugs to help calm me during the procedure
254. family to "entertain" me
255. family to comfort me
256. pastor who takes the time to visit and encourage and pray
257. strength to make it through and endure a scary ordeal
258. family to help during recovery
259. strength and energy for my husband
260. Kenzie being "gentle"
261. Kenzie telling me she "knows how it feels"
262. and saying "it's okay mommy, I'm here now"
263. watching Kenzie play... so much imagination
264. the hope my doctor gave that the surgery should stop the cancer in the brain
265. help from friends spur of the moment
266. answered prayer
267. less pain then I thought I would experience
268. flowers delivered to my door
269. friends helping with Kenzie
270. mom taking time to help with rides and Kenzie
271. last minute help
272. closer place for natural treatment
273. beautiful Fall
274. leaves floating down from the trees
275. bright orange pumpkin
276. pretty white pumpkin
277. hayride on a warm fall day
278. watching Kenzie enjoy a train ride
279. family putt-putt golf
280. Kenzie "testing" the air to golf
281. meals provided during a hard time
282. ducks "fishing" in a pond
283. tight kenzie hugs
284. "I love you so much mom"'s
285. the opportunity to talk to someone who truly understands
286. road covered in leaves surrounded by trees
287. Christmas music
288. Kenzie excited to see me
289. "Mommy I'm so glad your here"'s
290. helpful friends
291. compassion
292. genuine interest in me and what's going on
293. best physical therapist ever
294. candle burning on a dreary day
295. doctor who cares
296. beautiful, long-lasting Fall colors
297. smell of my wood burning stove
298. watching flames flicker
299. family dinner at the in-laws
300. the love of my beautiful daughter
301. Kenzie dancing with her daddy
302. un-abandoned laughter
303. joy in the simple things
304. Fall beauty
305. God's majestic handiwork
306. God's protection
307. the help of friends
308. day with my mother-in-law
309. Kenzie doing "tricks" on the bed (acrobatics)
310. warm fire on a chilly day
311. scrapbooking
312. pictures to tell our memories
313. first snow
314. Kenzie - "look it's snowing, it's wintering out!"
315. cuddling by the fire
316. large, fluffy, white snowflakes
317. snowball fight with kenzie
318. building a snowman
319. Kenzie hugging ma and Dean and saying "It's a fun wonderland"
320. Fellowship with a friend
321. Kenzie playing with her friends
322. Energy to accomplish some projects
323. The Lord giving me a slow, easy week
324. Christmas music
325. Decorating for Christmas
326. Anticipating the holidays
327. Cuddling with my kitty
328. The Lord providing unexpectedly
329. Shopping for presents
330. Friends willing to help out
331. Kenzie telling me I look beautiful
332. Safe birth for my cousins baby
333. Safety for a friend who had a heart attack
334. Amazing PET results
335. Radiation oncologist who remembers and cares
336. Wonderful people all over the world praying for me
337. Mom who takes me to many appointments
338. Mother-in-law who stays over to watch Kenzie
339. Family and friends there for the ups and downs
340. beautiful, cool, crisp weather
341. Awesome cell phone
342. Ability to keep in contact with people with a simple key stroke
343. Energy to do the laundry
344. Stamina to clean the house
345. Less side effects to chemo this week
346. Strength to care for Kenzie
347. Good days after chemo
348. Christmas parade
349. Sparkly lights on our tree
350. Spirit of Christmas
351. Buying gifts for family
352. Early gifts :)
353. Silly Kenzie
354. Friends for Kenzie
355. Getting closer to people
356. Getting to know friends better
357. Spending time with others
358. Watching a movie by the fire
359. Christmas treats
360. Helpful husband when I really need him
361. Doodlebug the clown stopping by
362. Watching Kenzie enjoy Doodlebug
363. Anticipation of Christmas
364. Strength to enjoy my baby
365. Snow on Christmas Eve
366. Kenzie's excitement over opening gifts
367. Suprising Dean with his gifts
368. Peeling back wrapping paper
369. Skype to watch extended family open our gifts
370. Watching others enjoy the gifts we give
371. Quality time with Dean and Kenzie
372. Enjoying another Christmas
373. Hearing Kenzie re-tell her story of running over a boy on a sled
374. Getting to spend more time with Dean
375. Sledding at night with Dean and Kenzie
376. Watching Kenzie walk up the hill pulling her sled with dad
377. The feel of wind and snow on my face
378. Energy to play in the snow with kenzie
379. Less side effects to chemo recently
380. Celebrating Dean's 40th birthday
381. Friends taking time to stop by for Dean
382. Spending time with family
383. Games with good friends and family
384. Help with my doctor appointments - rides and sitters
385. Dream Foundation wanting to help with a trip to Disney!
386. People willing to find tickets for us for Disney
387. New niece being born (Thomas')
388. Watching snow fall
389. look of a snow globe outside
390. Fuzzy scarf around my neck
391. Cool vest with a furry neck fro Christmas
392. Cozy house on a cold day
393. Sledding in the dark
394. Kenzie singing as she sleds down the hill
395. snow angels
396. Dad taking off work to take me to my appointments
397. Dad buying me lunch
398. Dan cleaning up kenzie's vomit as I clean her
399. Looking forward to our trip to Disney
400. Planning our Disney vacation
401. A friend setting us up with a rental car
402. Dream Foundation getting us airline tickets
403. and a check for incidentals
404. Memories of Love providing accommodations
405. anticipating a fun filled, memory packed family vacation
406. warm winter day
407. Dean's ability to work on our cars
408. for my cancer
409. for snow to brighten the dark winter
410. sledding with friends
411. laughter on a snow covered hill
412. watching Kenzie enjoy sledding backwards
413. time, precious time with those I love
414. More time then I expected to prepare for Kenzie
415. a friend always willing to help
416. friends to do things with
417. enjoying the company of others
418. unexpected call from a stranger who prayed for healing
419. blessing from the unexpected call
420. encouragement and hope out of the blue
421. Wonderful program to create books for Kenzie
422. creative ideas to give memories to Kenzie
423. Ability to give parts of myself to Kenzie's future
424. time with my mom during chemo treatment
425. Mom stopping by just to say hi
426. Good plane rides to Orlando
427. Beautiful weather
428. Watching Kenzie's anticipation for Disney grow
429. Comfortable rental car
430. Beautiful, not too warm day for our first Disney day
431. room close to Disney to come back to each night
432. walking in just in time for a Mickey parade
433. Experiencing the "magic" of Disney through Kenzie's eyes
434. Seeing mickey's entertaining show
435. watching Kenzie wave until Mickey waved back
436. Good camera to take memory filled pics and videos
437. Dean's ability to keep up with Kenzie
438. God giving me strength to make it through
439. Riding on carousel's
440. Spinning joyously on the tea cups
441. Watching a magical princess and princes show
442. peace of walking a beach
443. Kenzie chasing seagulls
444. Joy on Kenzie's face as waves splashed her
445. finding part of a sand dollar
446. sunset over the ocean
447. beautiful blue of the ocean matching up to the sky
448. The wind in our hair
449. flutter of a hundred seagulls
450. Kenzie and Dean running up the beach
451. Seeing someone surf a wave
452. getting to the car just as the rain began
453. enjoying a meal as the storm passed
454. watching God's amazing creation perform - Shamu Show
455. tears of joy over the beauty of the whales
456. anticipation of when the whales would jump
457. catching the whales on film
458. ability of the trainers
459. Enjoying this amazing show with those I love
460. making unforgettable memories
461. watching the entertaining Sea Lion Show
462. Seeing an animals humorous side
463. Making it in time to see both shows
464. the grace of a dolphins jump
465. the knowledge God's creation has
466. energy to make it through each day
467. no hot flashes
468. tickets at Universal Studio allowing me front on the line access
469. the colors and decor of Dr. Seuss' land
470. Enjoyable activities for kenzie
471. Seeing a 4D show with my family
472. Getting to sit in the front row at the 4D show
473. Watching Kenzie enjoy all the attractions
474. Knowing God provided this memory filled vacation
475. safe trip home
476. making a scrapbook of our trip
477. finding the perfect Disney scrapbook to fill
478. "re-living" our trip through pictures and video
479. being able to get Kenzie many memorabilia from the trip
480. The Lord always providing our needs...
481. and sometimes our wants
482. my yard in bloom
483. beautiful tulips of many colors
484. the purple and white fluffy petals of an Iris
485. delicate hot pink flowers on our crab apple tree
486. tiny blooms on my creeping phlox
487. gorgeous little "heart" blooms (bleeding heart)
488. amazing bright blue of jack frost flowers
489. seeing God's amazing imagination and creativity through out flowers
490. flowers that bloom at different times
491. watching as my plants grow daily
492. finding easy directions to make hair bows for kenzie
493. Joy of creating something
494. making matching necklaces for Easter
495. being a part of our church's ground breaking
496. God keeping our Pastor safe as he suffers a heart attack
497. tiny, delicate blooms
498. my sister visiting
499. afternoon/lunch with my sister after chemo
500. Kenzie having time with her Auntie and cousin
501. Family outing to Knucklheads
502. go-cart race with mom, dad, Angie, Caleb, Dean, and Kenzie
503. laughing and playing as a family
504. my sister helping around the house
505. Angie getting up with Kenzie so I can sleep
506. Kenzie being in good spirits although sick with strep
507. Kenzie behaving well while out and about and sick
508. My husband expressing his love
509. My husband wanting to take Angie and Caleb out for fun
510. Energy to do things while my sister was here
511. Dean finding good deal on craigslist - Barbie Jeep
512. Kenzie loving her new jeep
513. Watching my baby drive around
514. Sweet, succulent smell of Lilly of the Valley
515. Beautiful "bell drop" flowers on Lilly  of the Valley
516. pretty Columbine blooms
517. long lasting pain reliever
518. creativity time
519. watching my work turn into something
520. ability to use my hands to make something
521. enjoyment of curling up with a good book
522. my physical therapist and all her help
523. Bridgette always ready and willing to help
524. Kenzie getting to play with Sammy every week
525. rain drops on the grass
526. sun coming out after a rain
527. McDonald's caramel frape'
528. energy to scrapbook
529. comfortable home
530. air conditioning on a warm, muggy day
531. cars to get us where we need to go
532. beautiful violet always in bloom
533. gorgeous dwarf iris
534. great garden by driveway
535. watching the earth "come alive" in spring
536. My dad's boss providing a gas card for hospital trips for 3 years now

Change of heart, Change of mind

I have been reading this book, A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are One Thousand Gifts, by Ann Voskamp. It has been such a conviction to me and I have decided to accept the challenge. I am going to look for the joy in my day to day living and find 1000 things to thank God for.

In reading some of the author's list I realized we can be thankful for the smallest things! If you are anything like me, you generally look for bigger happenings in your life to thank God for.... but.. what about the small things. Can you imagine how much we can thank God for if we include what we consider the "small" stuff? Some of the things she puts on her list is Laughter at twilight, Glow of the front porch light, book pages turning, click of a seat belt... these are things we overlook and think of as insignificant... how wrong are we! These small things are what bring us joy all day!

In giving thanks to God for everything we gain joy in all things! A joyful life! What more can we ask for? When we are looking for things to find joy in, our whole out look will change. We will love deeper, live better... we will treat others better and in return be treated better!

I encourage you to take this challenge with me. I will put up a separate post where I can continually add to my list of thanks and would love to see what you have on your list!

Lets enter into a new life of thanks and joy!

Poem - Inside the Storm

It has been a long time since I have written poetry... I used to write all the time, and I also used to sing specials at church. All that changed when I entered this storm. Poetry and music are so personal and emotional. To write poetry I have to open myself up to my emotions and my situation and I have not been willing to do that until today.

Inside the Storm

The battle for my life had begun

Clouds rolled in, squelched the sun

My heart ached for what was to be

The rain poured down, I could not see

My friends and family closed around me

They petitioned God on bended knee

To stop the storm, stop the rain

Give me a life with much less pain

Then the storm appeared to calm down

But roared back to life, no end to be found

I struggled and struggled to find the light

Determined to not give up the fight

Again, the storm looked like it was ending

I questioned what message God was sending

As the storm again raged, swirled, and roared

I begged for my life, around me it poured

Then I found peace from inside the storm

And then, God's answer began to take form...

Make the best of the time God gives you

Spend it with the ones you love, and stay true

                                                                  Melanie Decker

                           

From Inside the Storm

Throughout my battle I have had several people ask me how I can keep such a positive attitude... and I am guessing many more wondering how I can make it through the ups and downs without breaking down. I thought I would take some time to talk about how this works for me.

When I first found out there was a possibility I had this cancer I was scared, but also wanted to keep thinking that it will turn out to be nothing. I researched the cancer so I knew what I was looking at, but then I did everything I could to destract myself from having to think about it. Deep down though I knew I had this cancer. I just kept hoping I was wrong. Of course, I did cry a little in worry when telling my husband what they were concerned it could be, but then I went into outward denial and inward fear.

Once it was confirmed I broke down and cried. I thought about all I was going to have to go through: losing my hair, getting sick, losing my breasts, losing my chance of having more children, not being there to raise my baby, maybe losing my life and thus my baby and family... This "breakdown" lasted for a couple of hours, but then by God's grace, somehow, I was able to detach myself from it. I don't know how it happens, but it happens everytime I get more bad news. I can talk about it to people and, for the most part, feel like I am talking about someone else.

I still think about it, but normally it is a quick, passing thought. There are harder days when it hits me again what I have gone through so far, what I will go through to come, and what I have and will lose. The never ending bad news is what keeps getting me. Everytime I think I am almost done, or this is it! More bad news... it is better for me not to get my hopes up.

I am not in a support group.... nor do I want to join one. In a support group about cancer, what are we going to talk about? Cancer. I don't want to dwell on my cancer. I want to feel normal again. I don't mind talking to people, who have cancer, about our experiences, but do not want to consistently, on schedule, focus on it. I have had someone, who I do not know but met one time at the hospital, consistently calling me to talk about what treatments her husband was going through, if I found any more natural treatments, etc... I dreaded when she called. I was happy to help her at first. I thought she was going to call the one time so I could tell her my experience with the alternative treatment, but she kept calling and wanting more information.. wanting me to do research for her since they didn't have internet... it was way to much for me to deal with! As hard as it was for me to tell her "Please stop calling me" I had to. I didn't want to talk about cancer all the time. I need to focus on life.

It would be wonderful to have someone I can talk to about what I feel, how I really feel, and what is going on with me mentally and physically... BUT who really wants to hear about someone's ailments. How depressing. Yes, my family is here for me. However, I don't feel I should talk to them about it all, because it only causes them pain and frustration. No one can take it away (But God).... I try occasionally to talk to Dean (when I am really overwhelmed and depressed), but it only causes problems. He's my husband... he feels he should be able to fix things, and he can't fix this. He can't do anything about the cancer, the constant pain, the deformities, the frustrations...

I do have people consistently ask me how I am doing... I normally say "not too bad" or "tired but good". These are my generic answers... why??? Well, sometimes you never know if someone is really wanting to know or just being nice. Also, I don't want people to think that all I do is complain, and some things have become so constant (ie: pain, fatigue..) I don't think of them. When someone inquires on how things are going I tell them where I am with the cancer: the results of the last test, treatment, options. But this is just the cancer... not all of what is going on with me. Again, I feel like I am just complaining if I tell someone about pain, or side effects, or some other issue I am dealing with.

I praise the Lord for the involuntary ability to disassociate from the cancer and what it may do to me. Those times when it is full reality are so difficult to deal with. The fear, saddness, pain, and anger are overwhelming. so, the day to day issues I deal with are the side effects from all the treatments.

I try to dwell on the positive, and pray and work for more life. I want to be here to watch Mackenzie grow up. I want more time with my family and friends. Instead of dwelling on the negative I look for the positive. For example: I can't have any more kids, but Praise the Lord I had Kenzie when I did or I may not have any! I've lost everything that makes me feminine, but at least I am still here. I am in pain all the time, but it's gotten better so I know it can be worse. I've been fighting this cancer for over 2 years, but Praise the Lord I am fighting and am still here!

~In everything give thanks~

Time Marches On

As I look back to the day I was diagnosed and when I began treatment, I am suprised to think it has now been over 2 years! Two years of chaos, confusion, and cancer. I honestly feel like my entire being has become one thing... cancer. All I ever seem to do is deal with, talk about, research, treat... cancer! I am so tired of CANCER!!! I have lost my identity to this horrible disease.

I still go through the daily routines of "living". I take care of my almost three year old baby girl. I clean the house when it needs it, make meals, do laundry, go to appointments, then go to more appointments, call the insurance company, call hospitals, try to find a babysitter twice a week so I can go to my appointment (some weeks three times) plus find someone to take me to my treatments..... A never ending list...

However, I realized recently that the motions of "living" isn't really living. I leave my house for appointments, church, the grocery store, and occasionally a quick visit at my mom's house. I am tired all the time so I've gotten into this routine that is easiest for me, but doesn't help me gain any more energy. I've lost the desire to do anything outside of what it takes to take care of my home and my family. I know most of it is because I am always tired... but the recent vacation we took showed me that it isn't just that. On this trip I was able to go to the beach and play with kenzie, walk the shoreline, rest in the afternoon, go for a drive... I was able to do these things! Yes, I was still tired and had Dean to help with Kenzie, but I was able to live!

Then I get home and go right back into the same routine that I just can't seem to break. I really have no desire to do anything extra... just what is necessary. I don't know if the cancer itself can be causing some of this or if it is just the fatigue from the last 2 years of treatments... Also, no one really asks to do anything with me so I don't make the effort to go anywhere.. plus I don't like doing things by myself. I like to be with people...

I guess I have just now realized the lack of desire to push myself to "live" a normal life... it also doesn't help that we are busy with appointments and Dean's work. I have become separated from friends... we are all busy, and I guess I understand how irritating it must be to constantly deal with a friend who has terminal cancer. I understand wanting to distance oneself from possible pain if that person passes on... it makes sense, but it doesn't make it any easier.

There really are three sets of people in my life. The ones who are with me consistently: family and church family, the friends who are busy but try to get together every once and a while, and the ones who've disappeared. The ones who are with me consistently see me more often, help with appointments or babysitting, and go through the ups and downs of cancer with me... but at times people forget that I have stage IV cancer, because although I am bald I don't look sick. This can be frustrating, because I am expected to do more then I can at times. At other times it seems no one asks me to do anything with them.. I am guessing because they think I can't do it... this makes it lonely. Plus, I feel bad always needing these people to help me with babysitting for appointments and giving rides for treatments....

I guess I say all this to make a point. Living ones life by yourself is not living at all. Life is made to be spent with those we love. Make memories, voice your love, show your feelings, sacrifice for others. Let your light shine!! A friend loveth at all times! The good, the bad, the busy... and it is a 2 way street. Something I have to work on. Be a friend not only to your friends but your family as well!

Time is short before you know it time will run out!

p.s.
Just wanted to let everyone know that I was not trying to make anyone feel guilty.. nor was I thinking of any specific people. I understand people live busy lives which make it hard to get together and keep in touch. We too deal with that as well, and our schedule causes problems with getting together with people. Sorry if I made anyone feel bad... that was not my intention.

Continued Treatments

Hello Again! It has been quite a ride the last 2 1/2 years and I feel the need to re-hash what all has happened.
First I had my first child!!!
Then 6 months later I am diagnosed with a deadly cancer.
I complete my chemotherapy, have a double mastectomy, then have a maximum life dose of radiation. During this time my cancer returns... not good but not as bad as it could be because it is still stage III and not stage IV - which is considered uncurable.
After radiation I had 6 months of oral chemo.
Then 3 months later my cancer returns yet again. This time the news is very bad... the cancer had spread to my liver. This now makes me stage IV... the doctor gave me 6 months to live in October 2010. I am now at the 6 month mark and I am still fighting my butt off to beat this cancer.
After receiving the news of my shortened life schedule a friend told me about a clinic in Georgia that integrates traditional and non-traditional treatment. Since my oncologist did not have any hope to offer me and pretty much told me they could only continue chemo until my body shut down and could handle it no longer... more or less I'd die from the chemo before the cancer, I felt I had to try something else!

I went for my first treatment in January 2011. I was there for 6 weeks (an eternity without my baby girl!) During this time my white blood count plummeted and I was pretty sick for a couple of weeks. However, when I returned I had a PET scan and the treatment worked!!!! While receiving traditional chemotherapy with my oncologist my cancer was growing. In December I had 2 spots in my liver and one in my lung. After this treatment the 2 spots in the liver shrunk drastically and the one in the lung shrunk by half!

My oncologist decided to change the type of chemo to the ones I was receiving in GA since it was working. Of course I can't receive any of the other treatments since a traditional oncologist can not do anything natural.

5 weeks after the first GA trip I went back for 2 more weeks of treatment. The doctors in GA added an extra chemo and another item. I had an allergic reaction to one of them and then my red blood count was practically depleted. What was to be my last day in GA I was extremely sick and ended up in the ER with blood levels at critcal level. I was admitted to the hospital and given 3 units of blood. My mother and I drive to GA... but obviously this made my driving home impossible so my dad flew down and helped my mom drive us home.

Now 2 weeks later my blood levels have returned to normal and I will continue with the planned chemo here at home. After this round of treatments I will be scheduled for another PET scan to see what is going on with the cancer.

While I was in GA this last time a friend had a fundraiser at the Pizza Ranch. (There are also 2 more in the works.) In a couple of weeks another friend is having a Brat fry/garage sale for me and a neighbor is working on something too. The donations have definitely helped. Especially since we have a large deductible and out of pocket... and the treatment in GA is being completely denied by insurance. Cancer is a very expensive ordeal.

Thank you all for your prayers and donations. We sincerely appreciate everything! I have been asked to re-post where people can mail donations.
 Melanie Decker
C/O Marine Credit Union
P.O. Box 510
Waupun, WI 53963

Also in an earlier post there is a link to my paypal account.

Thank you all again!

Praise The Lord for He is the Great Physician

I am home from Georgia, but will be returning for 2 more weeks of treatment in a couple of weeks.

I had a PET scan last week and had some great news!!! The cancer has shrunk! While receiving treatment here in WI the cancer grew. I have 2 spots in my liver and one in my lung according to Decembers PET scan. They thought the spot in the lung was nothing and would go away, but this new PET scan proved that it indeed is cancer. However, it has shrunk over half!

So in the 6 weeks I was there - 4 of which I had chemo - my cancer shrunk. That is amazing! Glory to God!!!! I and many other's have been praying for God's healing and He has proven His power and might!

Please continue to pray for healing and financial needs. This cost more then we will ever have - between treatment, deductible, out-of-pocket, medicine, and supplements (add onto that healthty food) we are in over our heads but we are trusting the Lord to provide!

Further Treatment

Hello everyone,

I am in GA receiving treatments. This is my fifth week here. It has been crazy busy and alot of side effects and stuff to deal with so I haven't been on to update! Figured I better get an update on here so you all know what is going on.

We made the decision last minute to come fore the first 6 week course of treatment. The Lord provided a backup plan for payment through our credit card. Although we did not want to go into debt with the credit card we figured it was the only way we could do it. However, for this first round the Lord has seen fit to provide almost all of the needed money. It has been a huge blessing to see God provide through you. other friends. my church family, and perfect strangers!

We were able to get into the Hope Lodge which provides us with free housing, laundry facilities, and great company with other cancer patients. Praise the Lord for his continued provision and guidance.

I will not know if this treatment is working until we get a PET scan in a couple weeks. If it has stayed the same or shrunk then it is working. I am praying that is the case. Since my original oncologist has given me no options besides chemo until it doesn't work anymore or my body shuts down I really need for this option to work.

While I have been here my tumor markers have gone down. I have had some problems with my health and White Blood Count going down, but otherwise not too bad. Can't wait to feel like normal again. Unforuntately my hair is again falling out but I am praying it only thins this time.

Thank you all again for your prayers and donations. Thank you for being such a huge blessing to me!