Time Line

At my doctor appointment last Tuesday I asked my doctor why she was pushing so hard to get me into this study. She told me that she felt that it had the chance of giving me an extra 6 months... I was confused by that. I thought we were still looking at the option of cure?!? So I asked her what she meant. She told me that this study has shown improvement and up to 50% of those treated. Some had control of the disease for 6 months. I asked her what happens after the 6th month. She then told me that we would then start on another chemo (the one I'm on now) and use that for 4 to 5 months - or until it stops working on the cancer. Then we would move down the line to next chemo which would work for less time - etc....

Pretty much there is not hope for a cure now. Just trying to control the cancer as long as we can to give me the longest possible life. I asked her how long she thought that would be... she told me that before my last PET scan she thought I'd be lucky to make it to this Christmas... she thought during radiation when I could not have chemo that the cancer would spread like wildfire... But it didn't. As far as we can see it only spread to another spot in the liver and a spot on the pelvic bone. But this spreading is what makes a cure impossible. They can not control it and can not remove multiple spots. She said if she can get me into this study and give me the other chemos they have after she feels I have a year.

This was not what I was expecting... I knew I didn't have forever, but I thought I had a couple of years at least. I had no idea it could be so little. Of course my cancer may react different than others and may grow slower or may stop on the meds better.. or God may choose to perform a miracle. (However, although I am praying for the latter I am pretty sure His answer will be the same as it has throughout all of this a big fat NO.. yes I know that sounds like no faith and anger... it is anger, but I do have faith. I also am a realist. If He has said no all this time and allowed it to come back so many times that it is to the point of incurable why would he chose to change His mind now.) Who knows maybe He will. Maybe He wanted it to  be more dramatic.... who can know the mind of God? Definitely not me.

My husband and I are definitely discouraged and sad and angry.... Dean more then I. He said yesterday that he feels there is no God... that obviously there is no one up there listening to him.... I know better then that. I just know that God has made no promise to heal me.... although He did say "If you ask anything in my name that will I do" I have been asking and He is not doing.... I just feel like maybe He should have clarified that more because obviously He will not do everything you ask.

I am trying to prepare for my death... more so prepare Mackenzie for a future without me. WHICH IS SO HARD! I am her mommy. She is my baby. I am supposed to be here for her intil she no longer needs me.... and she still needs me!!! I am trying to leave a piece of me with her so that she can know me. She is too young to remember me, but if I can leave her scrapbooks and videos and letters then maybe she will know her mommy and know that I loved her so much I fought to stay with her.

I also am trying not to think about dying..,.  I tend to separate myself from it all and talk about it like it is someone else and not me... I don't know why I do this it just happens... but I don't think I'd be able to make it through if I didn't go into this "mode". Dean is having a very hard time. He is a negative personality to begin with so this has made him 300x's worse. He is never happy about anything and unfortunately it just makes things harder on me and Mackenzie.

Pray for Dean. He will be left behind with a toddler to take care of on his own. He will have to figure out how to juggle work and babysitter for kenzie and still take care of things around the house that need to get done.... he also likes his alone time... without me here to take care of kenzie he will have to find someone to give him that alone time. Whether it be to work in the garage or go hunting...

Pray for me... it hurts to not have the support of my husband, but I don't think he can give it to me. He is angry and hurt and feels if he is there for me it will hurt him more later. But I need him for comfort... at the sametime I understand his not wantint to be hurt more... but the middle time is difficult.

Pray for Mackenzie who knows something is wrong and is hurting along with is but does not understand why. Pray that when I pass Dean can be the daddy he needs to be for her and lover her and cherish her extra to make up for the love I can no longer give her.

Pray for a cure... maybe God will change his mind.. maybe it's just our prayers He has chosen to not answer for some reason... maybe your added prayers to our continued prayers will convince Him. Or maybe the rapture will happen and I won't have to worry about it.!!

Pray for peace and understanding for me and Dean both.

What now?

I am starting chemo again tomorrow. One I've not been on - it is for cancer that has spread and is used not as a cure but to maintain the cancer and try to give me a longer life. Although my doctor said her goal is still a cure... I don't know if that is still possible but we can hope and pray.
I was supposed to be having reconstruction surgery in the next couple weeks... of course that is out with the cancer back and having just had radiation and now starting chemo. Unfortunately, it is not only postponed (again) but now it is out of the question forever. I was really looking forward to looking somewhat normal again and now I have no hope of that.
My doctor is trying to get my insurance company to cover a study (T-DM1) It is the medication I am on (which has not worked) mixed with another drug that is supposed to target the gene and take the drug directly to it and kill it. I am not really sure how i feel about the study right now. The consent form states some of the siedeffects and there were a few deaths... I am pretty sure my insurance will not cover it and if it doesn't then that takes the decision right out of my hands.
Either way I will begin chemo tomorrow. I am not willing to wait any longer and allow this cancer any extra chances at spreading more then it already has.