Why Won't It Stop?

It has been quite a long time since I've posted anything... figured it was time and I just kept thinking about a question that has plagued me for a long time. Everyone who goes through any trial will ask the question Why? Most of the time I hear "Why Me?" But for me that was not what I asked. My thought was "Why not me?" Cancer can happen to anyone so why would I be so special to be able to avoid it.

However, I have asked "Why now?" and the biggest question that has plagued me is "Why won't the Lord make it stop?" I know He can perform miracles. I know He has the power to heal me. I have seen Him perform small miracles in me. He has given me more time then the doctors ever felt I would have. He has made the cancer shrink when the doctors felt it would grow until it killed me.

Yet, it always grows back... it spreads... it just won't stop! I don't understand it. I can't understand it. If God has the power to heal me.... to CURE me. Then why won't He just do that. I feel like I see a bit of light at the end of the tunnel only to be immersed in darkness again each time it is growing and spreading. I have the faith that He can cure me, but know that it has to be His will.... Only I don't know what His will is. It would be so much easier to know what His will is... to know what will come of this... to know how much time He will give me.

All I want is for it to end... not  in death, but in a cure. I want to be "normal". To have a day without pain, nausea, extreme fatigue... a day like I hear all these other mom's my age having. To not have to think about what I can actually do that day so as not to wear myself out... to just pick up and go somewhere... take Mackenzie outside to play, go for a walk, run around the house playing with Kenzie, do a project, work on the house... wear whatever I want... be normal...

I honestly do not remember what it feels like to have energy... to be able to do the normal things : use my left arm without pain and cramping, carry Kenzie, give her a bear hug without my left shoulder cramping, reach for things, wear a bra, have a shirt fit the way it is supposed to, not be cautious of everything that could bump my chest, not taking medication non-stop all day and keeping track of it, not wanting to sleep all day, sit with my feet on the floor, walk around whenever I want, getting together with friends, not going to appointments a couple days a week, not taking my temperature all the time to make sure I don't have a fever, type or hold a coffee mug without my fingers going numb and pricking, drive without worrying about if I will get too tired or if my arm can handle the distance... so many things... normal things that aren't normal to me anymore.

I read all these posts on facebook where mom's are doing all these different things that I so wish I could do. I feel like Mackenzie is losing out as well as I am, but there is nothing I can do to change it. It has been  3 1/2 years now of cancer treatment. Going to the hospital almost weekly to have poison pushed into my heart. Dealing with the side effects of the treatment that is supposed "help" me. Dealing with the pain from the cancer.

I have to deal not only with the cancer but with the treatments and all it causes. My body has been pushed into Menopause... so I get all the lovely hot flashes, yet I still have the privilege of having my period (this really irritates me). I have nausea everyday, pain non-stop, extreme fatigue, swelling in my arms, hands, legs, feet, and chest wall. The skin on my chest wall has been so traumatized by radiation the skin is brittle... it is sore and the chemo causes recall which makes it rash and itch and swell on top of all that...

I say all of this just to make my point. All I want is for it to STOP. Why won't it STOP? Why can't I have a normal life? Why  is the cancer still there? Why is it still growing? MAKE IT STOP!

I know I won't have the answer to these questions in this lifetime, but that doesn't make me stop thinking about it or wondering why. I know that God is in control and He doesn't give us more then we can handle, but knowing all of this does not make the questions go away.

For all of you out there who wonder Why? Just know that it is okay and it is normal. As long as we still put our trust in God, and trust that He will do what is best for us. I am sure God understands our genuine desire to understand. It is okay to want your trials taken from you. How do I know this? Well, when Jesus was in the Garden of Gethsemene He asked God to take this cup from Him. He didn't want to go through the pain He was about to endure on the cross, but knowing He had to He still asked God to make it Stop! And He still followed God's will when He chose to make Him endure.

Time... precious time

So, I've once again reached that inevitable time... PET scan. I am always nervous when this time comes around. Especially if I have had some sign that it might be bad news. I am always prepared to hear the cancer is growing, but of course, I never want to hear that. This time around my tumor markers had gone up by 2 points and I was pretty sure my cancer was growing.

I am glad to say, my scan was clean! Praise the Lord for His many blessings and the privilege of more time! There were 2 questionable lymph nodes in my neck,  but my doctor feels it is due to infection instead of cancer. I have had whooping cough since Mother's Day so this made sense. These results couldn't come at a better time. I have been so sick, and as a result had to skip a dose of chemo and wasn't sure I could handle more while still sick. Since the scan is clean it is the perfect time to take a break.

I will get to be off chemo for a time, but will continue Herceptin which is once a week every 3 weeks. This will give me some much needed time away from appointments. I will continue physical therapy once a week, but that is close by and only takes a few hours of time rather then the whole day as chemo does.

Thank you all for your prayers. The Lord is great and He answers our prayers. I am continually praying for healing and of course.. more time.

Redeeming the Time

Keeping up the Fight when I just want a break...

Cancer... I hate that word and everything it means and stands for... all I want to do is be rid of it and live a "normal" life. However, God has not put that in the current plans for me. For some reason He wants me to be in this continuous fight. I can't even pretend to understand why I can't beat this thing and be done, but I know that my only choices are to fight or to die. And I know that the fight itself can kill me as well.

There have been many times I have thought about quitting. I have dreamed about how nice it would feel to stop chemotherapy. It has been a long 3 year battle... I can count on 1 hand the months I've not been on chemo in that time. I have moments when I imagine what it would feel like to have energy, be able to play with my child without being worn out in a short time, running around and doing things other mom's and ladies my age do, not having to think about if I can do something but just do it, not being in pain all the time, not having to think about cancer, not having to go to appointments every week 2 or 3 times a week.... so many things that consume my life that is all about the cancer! I want to stop... I want to quit... I want a break!

I don't know that anyone really understands this... to everyone else I look healthy and normal, but I am far from it. I have chemotherapy once a week for 2 weeks then get a week off. That doesn't give me any chance to recuperate. I have physical therapy 2 times a week every week because of my excessive radiation treatment to my chest wall. I swear my insides are those of an 80 year old (at least that is how I feel).

BUT I love my child and I want to be with her as long as I can... I'd like to say I am fighting for my husband, for my family, for my friends and to some extent I guess I am... but honestly all of those people can live without me. When I am gone they will go on and move on... but my baby is just a baby. Of course she will, like anyone else, go on, but she will be affected more then anyone else. She needs her mommy... no, she wants her mommy and I want her. I want to be here for her, to love her, train her, teach her, watch her grow... I need to be here for her and she needs me.

For her, I keep fighting. For our chance to be together, I will endure the endless chemo, walk the dark tunnel where no light shines in, wake up tired every day, put up with upset stomach all the time, never have a moment without pain, deal with the roller coaster of emotions called cancer.

My baby girl is worth all of it... every moment I can have with her is worth every bit of suffering. She gives me hope. Whenever I think about quitting or desire a "normal" life I think of her and I have the strength to keep on keeping on. She is the light of my life. She has no idea anything is wrong with me. This is all she has ever known, and losing me will be a huge shock to her. It kills me to think about the pain she will go through. It hurts more to imagine that pain for her then to deal with my own pain... knowing this makes me fight and makes the fight worth it.

I love my baby more then I love myself. When quitting would be easy, I fight for her. She deserves all I can give her and more.

Keeping up the fight!

God, The Great Physician

I have had a couple PET scans since my last post. The one in January showed the tumor in the lymph node by my stomach was back... this meant the chemo I was on had stopped working. As a result we had to change to a different chemo. I has another scan last week and this time that spot had shrunk to almost non existent! This is great news and a huge answer to prayer.

I have been continuously praying.. and have had people all over the world praying for healing. It has been 3 years now that I have been battling this cancer. A year and a half of that has been stage IV "non-curable disease". In September 2010 my doctor gave me maybe 6 months... Although I still have cancer, I am still here and have cancer that keeps disappearing! I am so extremely grateful for God's grace and mercy.

Although my doctor tells me my cancer can not be cured, I know that God can cure me if He so chooses. I also know He may decide not to cure me and take me home to be with Him. BUT I will continue to pray for healing and a miracle! Thank you all for your prayers and support during this non-stop battle. I know it has been an emotional roller coaster for many people, besides myself.

Praise the Lord for His continued healing and love and grace to give me this precious time with my baby girl who is 3 1/2 years old now! I didn't think I would see this age!

Faith, Prayer, Hope...

I've been reading this book "The boy who came back from heaven". It is about a boy who was injured in a car accident... he was actually killed and brought back. While he was in a coma his parents and many more people were praying for him around the clock. They not only believed God could heal him they knew He was going to heal him. They had complete faith that he would be healed. The dad had occasional doubts and fears but heard that still small voice telling him he would be healed.

I don't know how much of this book is real or not, but do have to say when reading it I do believe what they experienced and that God used this boy to show His power. They battled against Satan's attacks... and I know this is real as I have experienced some of these as well. Whenever things seem to be going well and God is being glorified Satan is there to bring doubt, fear, corruption... he doesn't want God to win.

Throughout this battle I have prayed so many times for God to heal me. I have prayed believing that He can heal me, but knowing that He may chose not too. Reading this book makes me wonder if I am wrong or right... is it wrong for me to know that God may choose not to heal me when I pray for healing.... or is it wrong to pray for God's healing and expect Him to do it because I believe He will? I don't really know the answer to this. I guess for me it has always boiled down to this: I do not know God's will. I KNOW He can heal me. I believe that if He chose to, He could heal me right now. I have faith that He can heal me, and I pray and hope that He does. Yet, I do not give myself false hope and tell myself that I know He WILL heal me. He has not come to me in that still small voice and told me have no fear I am going to heal you. I have not received anything like that, but I continue to pray for healing. There are times when things are looking better and I think He is going to do it, but then things get worse again... who am I to know the Will of God concerning this? Unless He tells me or gives me such strong belief I don't think I can have that knowledge.

Today I sat down and made a list of every sin I could think of that I may not have confessed so I could have a clean slate and KNOW that my prayer was being heard. While doing this my phone rang, then I got a text message... Satan was ready to interfere. I openly rebuked Satan and told him in the name of Jesus to leave me alone. I was then able to finish my prayer. I had a clean slate and felt so good. Then later I was trying to get photos edited to print at a store and had some plans fall through last minute (I found out via text) then it took way longer to do the photos, my husband was waiting at home with dinner, my daughter was throwing a fit that I wasn't there, and the order wouldn't go through! I was tired, sore, and so hungry my stomach was upset. No matter what we were trying it wouldn't work. Finally I again out loud rebuked the devil and wouldn't you know it went through. He is actively fighting us my friends. In little things, in big things, in anything to make us sin, to give us a bad day, to interfere with ministry. In anyway he can he is there to mess us up. I have found when these things happen I have to out loud rebuke him to leave me and my home in the name of Jesus and surprise, surprise things get better!

I think we don't want to think about Satan being around us, but he is here and like a roaring lion walketh about seeking whom he may devour. He doesn't want us to succeed. He doesn't want us serving the Lord. He wants us tired so we more easily sin. Fight him... know that he is there and rebuke him. God has given us that power through His sons name! He will use whatever means he can to fight us. His arsenal is large, but so is ours. We have Jesus on our side. Think about this next time you are having a bad day and things are going wrong. Think about this when you are easily sinning because of it, and stop, as Jesus to forgive you. Then tell that rotten devil to get behind you in the name of Jesus Christ! Take control of your life... take it back from the devil.

I have asked my pastor to get together another prayer session for me. It has been a couple years since anyone has laid hands on me and prayed for healing. There is power in prayer and I believe power in group prayer. All I asked is that anyone willing to pray over me would confess their sins to God and make sure they have a clean slate before God so that He can actually hear their prayers. I think this is very important and people often forget. God can not hear our prayers with sin between us. I also think it is important that I make sure I am pure before God as well. I want this prayer time to be POWERFUL! I want to feel the presence of God among us, and I pray that God will give us the confidence of  His will for me.

Keep praying, God is moving and working. He has kept me much healthier then I ever expected. He has provided for us in so many ways. He has given me strength when in reality I should be weak. He has given me the power and energy to care for my child on my own throughout this battle.

He has blessed and will continue to bless as you all pray for me. Prayer is so powerful and it is something all of us as Christians can do!

Disney World... Magical Wonderland!

I applied to several foundations trying to get a "last wish" granted. I wanted to have the chance to take Kenzie to Disney World. She has always loved Mickey Mouse, and I knew we would all enjoy seeing Disney World as a family.

Two foundations worked together to provide a 5 day vacation for us. One provided airline tickets and 1 day passes to Disney World. The other provided 2 days at Universal Studios and 1 day at Sea World and our hotel stay. Plus, a friend I haven't seen since a young girl, contacted a company she had worked for who provided the base charge for our rental car. On top of all that the 2 foundations gave us spending money for incidentals and the gentleman who brought the package to us donated $200 Disney credit cards so we could go to Disney another day, but a friend of a friend of a friend (LOL) worked at Disney and got us in another day. So, we were able to use the credit cards on toys and memory items for Mackenzie. We also had a friend and my mother-in-law give us some spending money as well. It was such a huge blessing for God to provide in such wonderful ways.

We flew out on Sunday afternoon. The flights went well, and Mackenzie enjoyed the ride. Unfortunately, she had an upset stomach shortly after we landed and ended up throwing up as we were picking up supplies after getting our rental car, but we picked up some water and snacks at Walmart, picked up some supper, and settled into the hotel before falling into bed excited for our next day when we would be heading to Disney World. Dean woke us up at 7am (which is 6am in our time zone). We got ready quickly, ate breakfast, and excitedly made our way to Disney. Since our first day the tickets were just to one park we chose Magic Kingdom. We took the ferry over and were able to enjoy seeing the castle from afar!

Once we landed and went through security, we walked right into a Mickey Parade. Mackenzie was so excited and wiggled out of Dean's arms so she could run up to Mickey's float. She was so upset that she couldn't "hug and kiss him", but no one was allowed close to the floats. We got up there in time for Mickey's float to stop. They were performing to a song and dancing. She refused to dance. Instead she waved and waved and continued to wave at Mickey until he finally waved back! It was so adorable.

After the parade went by we went on the carousel... which is always her favorite ride anywhere we go. Then we continued on to the teacups... which she had been talking about for months. She wanted to ride on the pink teacup, and we were actually able to get the pink cup! I have pictures of her adorable face smiling as big as can be as Dean spun us around really fast. She thought it was just great.

We were able to see a show in front of the castle with Mickey, Minnie, and the princess' and princes. It was so magical and had Kenzie totally enchanted. It was so beautiful and enjoyable. On our way out we walked right into another parade. This one was the princess' and princes. Each float was made as part of their story. It was so amazing to see it come to life before our eyes.

With the money donated we were able to let Mackenzie pick out toys, a princess hat, and a dress. She had a blast and was so happy to be picking things out! We left Disney World tired but happy. I was pretty beat, but was amazed a the strength God gave me to walk the entire day and enjoy all the rides with Mackenzie. Plus it was a beautiful day. It was only a high of 69 that day so we weren't submerged into scorching heat our first day. We found a good place to eat then again fell into bed that night.

We again woke up early the next day and made our way to Sea World. We got there in time to make our way right to the Shamu Show. Since I am technically disabled we were able to sit in the disabled seating area and have a good view of the show without getting drenched. I was so thankful to have a slower day as i was pretty sore and achy from the nonstop walking and standing at Disney.

The Shamu Show was absolutely awe inspiring! It was so amazing to see God's creatures perform. Their ability was magnificent! Between Dean and I we got some really good pictures of them jumping and some awesome video of their performance. Sea World did a fabulous job with the entire production between the whales, the music, and the background video it was enough to bring tears to my eyes and so much thankfulness in my heart for this amazing opportunity! Kenzie was just enthralled. She stared and smiled and cheered and never took her eyes off the whales!

After the show we practically ran to the other side of the park to go to the dolphin show... unfortunately by time we got there it was full. So we quickly made our way back to the other side where the Sea Lion show would be starting shortly. We were able to get good seats here as well, and enjoyed watching the Mime entertain before the show began. He was so funny and even Kenzie got a kick out of him. The sea lions were also very funny. The entire show was entertaining and hilarious.

We were able to enjoy some dolphin antics and touch the sting rays. Plus we got to see a ton of cool sea animals and fish in their exhibits. We were so excited about catching all this that we didn't even realize we missed the penguin exhibit and the polar bears! We were already gone before we realized we forgot to find those. We did make a trip to the beach this night but by time we got there it was already dark. Since we were already there though we did walk a few minutes in the dark... by flashlight of course!

We again dropped into bed this night and got up early again the next day. By this time I was getting pretty wore down and knew I wouldn't make it through too much more before falling apart.. or at least I felt like I was going to fall to pieces. This was Universal Studios day. When we picked up our tickets this day we were given a medical assistance pass... I didn't know we would be receiving this and it was such a blessing! This meant we didn't have to stand in line. We were able to get to the front of the line on all rides!

First up, Shrek 4D! None of us had ever been to a 3D or 4D movie and we were excited to see it. We were ushered to a back room to sit until it was time to enter the theater... I was so thankful for this as my feet felt like they were going to break into tiny pieces and my back was so sore! As we entered they gave us our glasses and ushered us to the front row! We had amazing seats. Kenzie loved it and didn't even act upset as she was sprayed with "snot" from Donkey's sneeze and splattered with "acid" as the dragon roared! She thought it was awesome! She laughed and screamed and kept those glasses on the whole time!

We walked around for a while after this enjoying the "city" they built then went to the attached park to see Dr. Seuss' land. That was super cool! We rode on another carousel and on a water ride called "One fish two fish red fish blue fish". Kenzie wanted to get wet so I kept steering into the water sprays. We went on a train ride through Dr. Seuss' park which was really neat. It let us see what was all in the park from above. There were a couple other parks that had play areas that Kenzie really enjoyed!

We were actually done at an early enough time this day to make it to a beach before sunset! We drove to Daytona Beach and had an hour to walk the shore line and play in the waves! We really enjoyed this relaxing time and Kenzie loved the waves and chasing the birds.

The next and final day was Disney again. By this point I could hardly walk so I had to break down and rent a wheel chair. I was happy that I made it this far without one though! And I was able to do much more with the help of a wheel chair so it was well worth it. We started at Epcot. The sweet lady who got us in took us to the meet and greet area so we could take pictures with Disney and friends. We stood in line for 40 minutes, but it was soooo worth it. Kenzie was so happy to see them and hugged and kissed each one! She was so adorable, and it made her trip as this was what she said she wanted to do since she found out we were going. We got some good pictures and I can't wait to scrapbook them! After Epcot we went to Animal Kingdom where we immediately got fast pass tickets to get on the safari. This was a cool experience to see the animals walking around while we drove by. We also went to the 3D movie "It's hard to be a bug" which was inside the "tree of life". If you haven't been to Disney this tree is so cool. It isn't real but looks real and is absolutely huge. You can see this tree as soon as you walk in the park and it is in the center of the park. They made such intricate designs on the trunk it was so gorgeous. We loved this movie too as we smelled the stink from a stink bug and was sprayed again and stung in the back by hornets! So fun and entertaining!

So if it wasn't clear at all... we loved this trip! We were exhausted but so happy! We came home with wonderful memories and hundreds of pictures taken! I can't wait to develop those pictures and make Kenzie a scrapbook of our trip. We are grateful to all those who helped make this trip possible, and so thankful for the time and ability to make this trip!

I am positive God was with me on this trip. I know many prayed and I could feel those prayers. Typically I am exhausted and can't do a whole lot during a day. I may be able to walk for an hour or so but then need to rest. On this trip I was able to walk and stay on my feet for the whole day for 4 days... although the last day I did need a wheel chair I still could tell that God was giving me the strength to not only make it through the days but enjoy every last bit of it. I did still have pain, but it was bearable. I find this to be a small miracle in and of itself!

Now the Dream is over and we are home and continuing with life as it was before, but with some wonderful new memories and a brief break from our new normal. I continued chemo the week after I got back and felt like I was going back to a job that I absolutely hate and dread, but it is what I have to do to fight this thing.

Thank you all who helped and who prayed! Thank you for being a part of our dream!

Thank you God for my Cancer...

I posted briefly about this in my facebook, but wanted to go in to more detail here on my blog. I have been marking my Bible, for myself, but also for my daughter. I want her to see what I found as very important. I have been color coding my markings as well so she can see the subject right away. (ie: green for children, pink for love, etc..)


While marking some important verses I came across a verse I have known for years, but on this day it struck me with its complete meaning and convicted me for not following it. Here is the section I am referring to:

I Thessalonians 5:16-18

16Rejoice evermore.

17Pray without ceasing.

18In everything give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.

Verse 18 struck me... "In EVERYTHING give thanks" 

it does not say in all good things give thanks, it says in EVERYTHING. There is no other meaning for this word but all... everything... all inclusive. Nothing is left out. We are to thank God for Everything. 

When we thank God it is for the good things He gives us. We are more then willing to thank Him for the money He provides, the blessings He gives, but what about all the rest? I was so convicted when I read this and immediately my cancer came to mind. I have been fighting this cancer for almost 3 years, and in all those years not once have I thanked God for my cancer. I have thanked Him for the good results of some tests, for providing the money needed to cover medical bills, for family and friends helping out and lending a hand... but I have never thanked Him for my cancer.

I bowed my head right then and asked God to forgive me for not being thankful in all things. Then I told Him thank you for giving me this cancer. The concept, I know, sounds out of place and not right, but He commands this for a reason. When I thanked Him, a peace settled on me that I have not had in all this time. I knew I was doing the right thing. It is a work in progress as I take back my thanks when I feel bad, and then I have to again give it back to God and thank Him again. It is work, we are not used to being thankful for bad things... I don't understand why God wants us to give thanks for even the bad things, but He didn't say give thanks for good things He said in EVERYTHING give thanks. In every situation, every area, every piece of us give thanks. 

I have also been reading a book that references to Paul and his thorn in the flesh and how Paul took pleasure in it. After asking God to take it away many times he changed his attitude and took pleasure in it. He chose to find the good in it. I have tried to look only on the blessings during this time, but that is a hard thing to do all the time. There are times I want to bemoan my state and continue begging for my life. Although it is okay for me to ask God to take away my cancer, I also have to thank Him for it and take pleasure in it. I have to accept that this is my thorn and I may never be rid of it. I have to give it to God and not dwell on the negative.

I also look at Jesus and how he begged God to take this cup from Him... He didn't want to have to suffer death and taking on the sins of all man... but He was willing to do what was God's will. This gives me a good picture of what I am supposed to do. It is okay for me to cry my heart out and beg God to take this away, but in the end I have to accept whatever His will is for my life.  

I thank God for my cancer... without it I would not have met some of the wonderful people I have had the privilege of meeting, nor been blessed by so many people and in so many ways. I would not have touched the lives of the many people I have come in contact with. I would not have learned the many hard and wonderful lessons God has taught me in this fight. My doctor's would not have been able to see the hand of God as He chose to make the cancer shrink when they thought I would be dying. (although they do not outright admit it was God I know they know what I think and can't help but think that gets to them somehow) My friends and family would not have been blessed with answers to prayers as God continually would answer a prayer for help here and a plea for health there... 

God knows everything... we can not understand His ways for He is not of this world.. but in faith we can accept what He requires of us and we can willingly chose to follow His will and be blessed beyond measure.

I am way past the time my doctor said I would have. According to her I would have been gone last year around this time, but God had different plans. I will continue to fight as He gives me strength. I want to be here to watch my baby grow, but I have to accept the fact that He may not have that in the plans for me. I pray I have many more years, but continue to have this horrible gut feeling that I don't have much time before the cancer takes over.. BUT I do not know God's will only He does. I will continue to put it into His hands and trust Him.

Thank you God for all your blessings, for the cancer you allowed me to have, for my family and friends who surround me with love and prayers. Thank you for all things you have done and will continue to do in my life and the life of my family. Thank you for everything!

Need help from those who lost a parent at a young age...

I am wanting help from anyone who lost a parent when they were young. I want to know if your parent did or left you anything that made growing up without them easier.

I have a book that I have written letters in for her. They mostly are for specific ages to help through puberty and give her advice on how to act... what is right and wrong. I also have a scrapbook of me and her and me together... and many of all of us as she grows up.

I have a hope chest that I have filled with things that are important to me or special in anyway that I want to pass down to her, and I have put notes on everything to tell her what it is and what it meant to me.

I have a couple little video clips of her and I together so she can see me with her and hopefully see how much I love her.

I started doing these things shortly after I was diagnosed, because I wanted to be sure she would "remember" me. I also figured that even if God heals me she would like to have these things some day anyway.

I still have both of my parents and really don't know what would mean most to someone who has lost a parent. I am hoping there are some people out there who have some ideas for me.... Thanks for any advice :)

Still Fighting the Fight

Well, it's that time again! I just had another PET scan and brain MRI on Tuesday. Wednesday I met with my doctors and got the results. I hadn't had an MRI since my radiosurgery in September. I was a little anxious to see if the surgery had done anything. The good news is my brain looked good. It appears the surgery did it's job. This doesn't mean more met's can't turn up later but for now it is good.

 The bad news, the last PET scan in November they could not see any cancer so we continued the same chemo as it appeared to be working. This scan shows one of the many tumors has reappeared. It is only one of them, but it came back while on chemo this time not even while taking a break from treatment. This is not a good thing. It shows that the cancer has become resistant to this chemo. Although I am upset over this and was hoping and praying for more time with no cancer being seen on the scans, I have to look at the big picture. I have been on this same chemo for a year now. That is actually amazing. My doctor told me when the cancer began spreading, and the goal went from killing the cancer to managing it, that chemo's will work for maybe 3 months or so and then the cancer becomes resistant so we will have to change chemo when that happens. Well, this chemo worked alot longer then that. Praise the Lord for giving me that extra time!

Since the cancer is becoming resistant we have to change chemo's. Unfortunately, I have had many different chemo's now and don't have many choices. My doctor would like to get me in a trial. They are all phase I trials, which means there isn't any proof that it will work, but they are coming at the cancer in a different way. We have been in the process of appealing the insurance company to cover a trial. In the past they have been clear that they will not cover anything to do with a trial or complications of a trial... so this has kept me out of them. Yesterday the insurance company told me I had to purchase Medicare and it is to be my primary insurance. Although it is going to cost us more, Medicare will cover 80% of trials. So if the insurance company will be willing to cover the other 20% I will probably be entering a trial.

In the meantime, we will be switching to another chemotherapy. I was not willing to hold off chemo to see if the insurance will work with us, because you never know how long that will take. I felt that if the cancer was growing while on chemo it could explode while off. 

Thank you all for your prayers and support during this never ending battle. It is hard for me to believe in a couple months it will be 3 years battling this obsessive disease. Part of the time I hate that I have to continually fight to be here, and the other part I am thanking God for giving me way longer than my doctor ever thought I would have. October of 2010 when the cancer began spreading my doctor felt I only had 6 months. It is now 2012 and praise the Lord I am here and only 1 tumor is big enough to see on the scans. 

I am still praying the Lord will miraculously heal me, but I also know that He may not choose to do that. Although I can not say I am ready to leave my loved ones, it is becoming more realistic each time the cancer grows. I try to not think about it, but there are times when it hits me that this time next year I may not be here. I know that should not make me sad, because I will be in Heaven with my loving Father.... but I am human and as I have never seen Heaven or been there to experience it, I can't picture it but can picture and feel what it would be like to have to leave those I love behind. I think I hurt more for them then I do for myself, and I am a control freak and hate the thought of not being here to raise my baby girl. But these are things I am trying to put in the Lord's hands, and hopefully when the time draws near I will be at peace and have anticipation to meet my Heavenly Father and see my Heavenly home to wait for the ones I love to join me.