Recently I have been doing a Bible study on the book of Job with a friend. I have found so often that I share some of the same feelings Job does. Although I am not comparing my experiences to Job's, or the reason why he was suffering to mine either. Like Job, I have no idea why I am going through this, and like Job I have experienced one thing after another (although not as quickly as Job).
I struggle with why God will not take this cancer away from me. I have not really questioned Him as to why me, but I have asked many times why now.. why this.. why won't it stop. I have, like Job, wondered why God ever created me if this was what He was going to put me through. I know God is good and is not vindictive, but I have so many times felt that for some reason He is picking on me. I know that sounds ridiculous and petty, but it is a feeling I have had often. For instance, my cancer was finally going away and I was able to take a break from chemo... FINALLY!!! I was off for a month and my hair was growing back a little, I was getting more energy, and I was having to run around less for doctor appointments. Life was somewhat normal. Then Dean starts having problems again at work. His boss decides to cut his pay by $1.50. I start getting pains in my stomach again and more dizziness. Then I find out my cancer has returned once again and is worse then it has ever been. So chemo again, which means more fatigue, more nausea, more hair loss. On top of that I have to have radiation surgery on my brain. Plus, my husband was thrown on second shift which left me responsible for Kenzie's care non-stop without help... The list goes on and on and on.
Each time something new is added to the list it makes me feel like God is saying "oh wait, here take this and this..." Again, I know He doesn't work that way and I am sure the devil is responsible for it, but my mind keeps telling me God can stop it so why is He allowing all of this to happen and can't He ever just give me a break. I fight the feeling that God has something against me. Off and on I have wondered, as Job's friends did, if I have some sin I am being punished for. I have searched my heart and looked for any unconfessed sin and I have not found any. I am not trying to compare myself to Job. I can't imagine God telling Satan I am an upright and righteous women and giving him permission to test me. I am far from perfect and have done my fair share of sinning, but I do try to keep a short account of my sin.
So, I don't think God is punishing me for sin. He has told us that if we ask Him to forgive us He does. So I know my sins have been forgiven. I am very thankful that I do not have any friends like Job who come to "comfort" him but just condemn him for some hidden sin when it was not the fact. I have no idea if any of them are thinking that, but I am glad no one has said it to my face!
This battle has been one thing after another for over 2 1/2 years. It is never ending, and I feel like I can never get a break. It is hard to separate my emotions with the facts I know about God. It is hard to picture God is perfect and... well... God, rather then with the imperfections we all have. I have to remind myself often that God is not vindictive. He does not choose favorites. He does not do things just to get a kick out of it and maybe have a good laugh at someone. These are things imperfect humans do not God.
Emotions are hard to handle just as the unknown is hard to deal with. Job expressed his agony at losing everything but his wife and one servant. He talks about his pain at having his friends accuse him of sin when he knew he had none. He says he wishes he would never have been born. It would have been easier on him and his loved ones if he had never been born.. this I understand. If I have never been born I would never have loved or been loved. I would not have experienced this pain and the pain of knowing I will be leaving my loved ones. Nor would the ones I love have had to deal with all the downs of this illness in the end resulting in the pain of loss.
Throughout all of Job's struggle, he never knew why he was going through it. He didn't know that God was allowing Satan to test him because He knew he was a good, upright, righteous man. Satan was trying to prove that if Job wasn't blessed in his life but made to suffer he would turn his back on God. Although job never knew this, he also never turned his back on God! He expressed his pain and the emotions he went through, but he remained good and upright and stood with God! I pray I too can stay standing with God and not allow my hurt and anger to take over. I wish I knew why I have to go through this... I wish God would see fit to make it stop... He may never let me know why... He will make it stop though. Whether He decides to perform a miracle and take it away, or whether He takes me to Heaven. It will stop, and when I get to Heaven I will finally know the why.
If you are struggling in a battle of your own just remember to lean on God. Trust in Him even when your mind tells you He has betrayed you and He is the reason you are in the battle. Remember it is not God who causes these things, but Satan who walks about seeking whom he may devour. Once sin entered into this world suffering began. We will all suffer in someway or another in our lives, but if we look around us we will also see the blessings.
God has blessed me in so many ways, and many of these blessings would never have been seen in my life if I had not gone through all of this. In all things I can find something to thank God for... this is what I have to keep my mind dwelling on. This is what keeps me going and keeps me sane. Finding the blessings! Look for your blessings. Find things to praise the Lord for... this helps take away the pain of our suffering and loss. Stay strong, keep the faith, fight for what is right, and never forsake God.
