Cancer... I hate that word and everything it means and stands for... all I want to do is be rid of it and live a "normal" life. However, God has not put that in the current plans for me. For some reason He wants me to be in this continuous fight. I can't even pretend to understand why I can't beat this thing and be done, but I know that my only choices are to fight or to die. And I know that the fight itself can kill me as well.
There have been many times I have thought about quitting. I have dreamed about how nice it would feel to stop chemotherapy. It has been a long 3 year battle... I can count on 1 hand the months I've not been on chemo in that time. I have moments when I imagine what it would feel like to have energy, be able to play with my child without being worn out in a short time, running around and doing things other mom's and ladies my age do, not having to think about if I can do something but just do it, not being in pain all the time, not having to think about cancer, not having to go to appointments every week 2 or 3 times a week.... so many things that consume my life that is all about the cancer! I want to stop... I want to quit... I want a break!
I don't know that anyone really understands this... to everyone else I look healthy and normal, but I am far from it. I have chemotherapy once a week for 2 weeks then get a week off. That doesn't give me any chance to recuperate. I have physical therapy 2 times a week every week because of my excessive radiation treatment to my chest wall. I swear my insides are those of an 80 year old (at least that is how I feel).
BUT I love my child and I want to be with her as long as I can... I'd like to say I am fighting for my husband, for my family, for my friends and to some extent I guess I am... but honestly all of those people can live without me. When I am gone they will go on and move on... but my baby is just a baby. Of course she will, like anyone else, go on, but she will be affected more then anyone else. She needs her mommy... no, she wants her mommy and I want her. I want to be here for her, to love her, train her, teach her, watch her grow... I need to be here for her and she needs me.
For her, I keep fighting. For our chance to be together, I will endure the endless chemo, walk the dark tunnel where no light shines in, wake up tired every day, put up with upset stomach all the time, never have a moment without pain, deal with the roller coaster of emotions called cancer.
My baby girl is worth all of it... every moment I can have with her is worth every bit of suffering. She gives me hope. Whenever I think about quitting or desire a "normal" life I think of her and I have the strength to keep on keeping on. She is the light of my life. She has no idea anything is wrong with me. This is all she has ever known, and losing me will be a huge shock to her. It kills me to think about the pain she will go through. It hurts more to imagine that pain for her then to deal with my own pain... knowing this makes me fight and makes the fight worth it.
I love my baby more then I love myself. When quitting would be easy, I fight for her. She deserves all I can give her and more.
Keeping up the fight!
