It has been quite a long time since I've posted anything... figured it was time and I just kept thinking about a question that has plagued me for a long time. Everyone who goes through any trial will ask the question Why? Most of the time I hear "Why Me?" But for me that was not what I asked. My thought was "Why not me?" Cancer can happen to anyone so why would I be so special to be able to avoid it.
However, I have asked "Why now?" and the biggest question that has plagued me is "Why won't the Lord make it stop?" I know He can perform miracles. I know He has the power to heal me. I have seen Him perform small miracles in me. He has given me more time then the doctors ever felt I would have. He has made the cancer shrink when the doctors felt it would grow until it killed me.
Yet, it always grows back... it spreads... it just won't stop! I don't understand it. I can't understand it. If God has the power to heal me.... to CURE me. Then why won't He just do that. I feel like I see a bit of light at the end of the tunnel only to be immersed in darkness again each time it is growing and spreading. I have the faith that He can cure me, but know that it has to be His will.... Only I don't know what His will is. It would be so much easier to know what His will is... to know what will come of this... to know how much time He will give me.
All I want is for it to end... not in death, but in a cure. I want to be "normal". To have a day without pain, nausea, extreme fatigue... a day like I hear all these other mom's my age having. To not have to think about what I can actually do that day so as not to wear myself out... to just pick up and go somewhere... take Mackenzie outside to play, go for a walk, run around the house playing with Kenzie, do a project, work on the house... wear whatever I want... be normal...
I honestly do not remember what it feels like to have energy... to be able to do the normal things : use my left arm without pain and cramping, carry Kenzie, give her a bear hug without my left shoulder cramping, reach for things, wear a bra, have a shirt fit the way it is supposed to, not be cautious of everything that could bump my chest, not taking medication non-stop all day and keeping track of it, not wanting to sleep all day, sit with my feet on the floor, walk around whenever I want, getting together with friends, not going to appointments a couple days a week, not taking my temperature all the time to make sure I don't have a fever, type or hold a coffee mug without my fingers going numb and pricking, drive without worrying about if I will get too tired or if my arm can handle the distance... so many things... normal things that aren't normal to me anymore.
I read all these posts on facebook where mom's are doing all these different things that I so wish I could do. I feel like Mackenzie is losing out as well as I am, but there is nothing I can do to change it. It has been 3 1/2 years now of cancer treatment. Going to the hospital almost weekly to have poison pushed into my heart. Dealing with the side effects of the treatment that is supposed "help" me. Dealing with the pain from the cancer.
I have to deal not only with the cancer but with the treatments and all it causes. My body has been pushed into Menopause... so I get all the lovely hot flashes, yet I still have the privilege of having my period (this really irritates me). I have nausea everyday, pain non-stop, extreme fatigue, swelling in my arms, hands, legs, feet, and chest wall. The skin on my chest wall has been so traumatized by radiation the skin is brittle... it is sore and the chemo causes recall which makes it rash and itch and swell on top of all that...
I say all of this just to make my point. All I want is for it to STOP. Why won't it STOP? Why can't I have a normal life? Why is the cancer still there? Why is it still growing? MAKE IT STOP!
I know I won't have the answer to these questions in this lifetime, but that doesn't make me stop thinking about it or wondering why. I know that God is in control and He doesn't give us more then we can handle, but knowing all of this does not make the questions go away.
For all of you out there who wonder Why? Just know that it is okay and it is normal. As long as we still put our trust in God, and trust that He will do what is best for us. I am sure God understands our genuine desire to understand. It is okay to want your trials taken from you. How do I know this? Well, when Jesus was in the Garden of Gethsemene He asked God to take this cup from Him. He didn't want to go through the pain He was about to endure on the cross, but knowing He had to He still asked God to make it Stop! And He still followed God's will when He chose to make Him endure.
