With once again facing the possible beginning of the end for me, there is a lot of things going through my mind. Most of the time I try not to think about it, because it is too painful. When I received the call that there was a tumor in my brain and 6 spots in my liver on top of the lymph node near my stomach and the two questionable spots - one on my left, 2nd rib and the other on my T1 vertebrae. I broke down at this point, and Kenzie was in the room. She was so sweet. She gave me a kleenex, hugged me, and told me it's okay don't cry... of course that made me cry more.
I learned a valuable lesson that day... I heard Kenzie get up from her nap... then I heard her run back to her room. I went upstairs and she was in her bed completely under the blankets. I flipped the blankets back and asked her if she wanted to go for a walk. She pulled the blankets back over her head and told me she didn't want to get up... then she started crying. It took me a while to calm her down so we could go on a walk, but the rest of the day she was moody. Lesson? Don't cry in front of her. She feels so much and it upset her. She may not understand what is happening but she knows something is happening and she knows it is not good.
Also, during this time I've had a few people try to encourage me and make sure I don't turn my back on or become angry with God. I have to say turning my back on Him never came to my mind.. One of the other things mentioned to me was how people in similar situations have a hard time believing that God is good... again this never crossed my mind. My faith in God is set. I will not turn my back on Him. I also know that God is good, but He does not allow only good to come to us. When sin entered into the world so did evil, and no matter what we do or who we are we will experience both good and evil. We will have blessings and trials. I have experienced anger and frustration. I have put all my faith and hope in my prayers for healing and I believed He would heal me... but it just gets worse. Then my hopes are dashed and honestly that is worse then expecting the worst and getting it.
What I don't understand is why God, who is all powerful, is not choosing to perform a miracle and stop the cancer. For over 2 years I have begged and pleaded for God to heal me, to give me more time. I guess He has technically done a little of both. He stopped the cancer for a couple of months, and I'm still here although my doctor felt my time would have ran out months ago. But that was not my prayer or what I was believing He would do. It is very hard to keep having faith in something when the results are a continuous downward spiral. I have had faith as the women who touched Jesus' cloak.. that if I believed He would heal me. Faith the grain of a mustard seed can move mountains.. why can't it heal me.
I know we do not always get what we want. I know that we can not control our time on this earth... but we are told to pray believing and have faith because God can do anything. When do we accept what is going to happen and stop praying for a miracle? When are we supposed to come to terms with what God has for us and stop asking Him to change it? I guess I don't understand this part, and am not sure what I am supposed to do now.
The hardest part for me is knowing I will be leaving Mackenzie behind. She's just a baby. She will not remember me. I won't be here to take care of her or help her. I have to give all control over to those I am leaving behind. Not having control over what happens to her is what kills me. I want a plan. I want to make sure Dean will be okay and will be able to take care of our baby. I want her to remember me. To know that although I wasn't allowed to stay here with her I love her and always will love her. I want to know that she will be loved and cared for as I would have done.
When you prepare and think about your future you do not think or prepare for death... it just doesn't seem natural. Of course, we are to live our lives in such a way that we are laying up treasures in Heaven which in a sense is preparing for death, but it just doesn't seem the same to me.
For those of you who do not know what to say to me... it is okay. I don't know what to say either! I appreciate those people who are sensitive to Mackenzie's presence. I know some people feel I should talk to someone who has the same cancer as me, and honestly at the beginning I wanted that. Now, there really aren't anything I can ask them that I don't already know. Also, I am much better communicating my feelings via email then on the phone. I don't want to be emotional all the time and voicing my feelings makes me want to cry. And I hate talking on the phone! :)
So, what's running through my mind? questions only God can answer... thoughts of a future I was planning but only God knows the number of our days... trying to control the future, but God is the only all powerful one. Confusion, chaos, frustration, sadness, pain... this is what my mind has become. But as has happened before, I am sure God will give me peace and the ability to make it through this battle too.
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