The Never Ending Battle

I have been experiencing more dizziness, growing fatigue, and nausea. I held off telling my oncologist about this because it was around Kenzie's birthday and I didn't want to once again ruin it!


She ordered a PET and MRI right away. I had both yesterday. The PET showed 6 tumors in my liver, a lymph node by my stomach, a spot on my chest in a rib, and in my T1 vertebra. The one on my chest they believe is probably radiation, dead tissue, and the injury showing up. They are not sure if the vertebra is cancer or not....


My MRI showed the same spot in my brain. They feel it is growing and taking the shape of cancer. They are very concerned it is the cancer and want to do radio-surgery. This is where they would screw a halo into my head and in an all day ordeal set me up to do a one time focal point radiation on the spot.


The spot in my brain is in the front left lobe. My oncologist feels it is near my motor cortex, but my radiation oncologist feels it is near the emotional area... confusing to me. My oncologist also felt it is not in the right area to cause my continued symptoms... I am not sure what to think.


I have a meeting with the radiation oncologist Monday to discuss it and the pros and cons and side effects. I am not sure how I feel about having my brain radiated but don't think I have a choice.


**I know many of you are thinking... How am I doing.. What am I feeling... It is hard to answer when people ask because I don't even really know and thinking about it makes me cry.


So I will give my best attempt here...


I tried not to cry while getting part of this news in the doctors office yesterday but in the end couldn't help it. My parents were there so dad held me while I cried. Then my oncologist with tears in her eyes told me how sorry she is and how she hates to give me this news.. Then she gave me a hug as well. God has given me a doctor who has connected with me.. Praise the Lord.


When I got home Kenzie was getting ready for bed. I read her a story kissed her and came downstairs to talk to my mother-in-law. After she left I crawled into bed with my baby girl and held her for 2 hours. (Dean is working second shift now so he wasn't home) I prayed and I cried and I begged God for more time.I begged him again as I have over and over to PLEASE provide a miracle and let me be here for my baby. 


The thoughts that have run through my head are: why won't God stop this? Why can't I ever get a break? Will I be here for Kenzie's 4th birthday? How will Kenzie handle losing her mother and growing up without her mom? How will Dean be able to work and raise Kenzie on his own? 


I know God can heal me... I don't know why He won't choose to. I know God loves me, I just wish He'd show it more clearly. I know He has the power to cure me, but why won't He.


I know there is a reason for everything. For me it would be so much easier to deal with if I knew that reason. However, I don't know the reason and will have to continue to trust in God and His ability to comfort me and take away my fear and frustration.


I am studying Job right now and find I can totally understand how he feels. I understand cursing the day I was born. If I hadn't been born I would not have built relationships, loved, invested my life in others... I would not be feeling the pain of leaving them nor them me. Job didn't know he was being tested by Satan because God saw him as just and upright, but he remained steadfast in his devotion to God. I highly doubt God sees me as He saw Job and allowed Satan the power to test him because of it.. BUT I can keep my integrity and do what is right amongst pain and fear.


I have felt anger, frustration, hopelessness, exhaustion... I feel like this is a never ending battle and I just want it to stop, but I need to continue to fight. And as I have done for over 2 years now as this settles in I will put it in the back of my mind and not dwell on it. Of course it will be there but I will ignore it and continue on.


p.s.


I try not to be emotional in front of Kenzie but after my doctor called with the MRI results I couldn't help it. I tried to just play with her an not think about it but looking at her hurt. I started to cry and she went and got me a kleenex. Told me to blow my nose, rubbed my cheek, gave me a kiss and told me not try cry that she love me. Then she said she was sad too.... God knows what I need and He provides it.