The Internal Battle

Many times through these last couple years I have heard "You look great", "You'd never know you have cancer", etc... While these things are great to hear.. and I am glad I don't look like death walking. The only problem is since I don't look like I am sick people tend to forget that I am fighting for my life. Even my husband will act like I should be able to do more then I am doing, and has to be reminded that I have terminal cancer and am still receiving treatment plus still have effects from the radiation.

In the past couple months I have talked to a few people who have mentioned to me that they know of someone else with cancer and how they just look so good, and some of these people have realized that looks can be deceiving. I felt I should touch on this subject and give you all the perspective of the "sick" person. I am hoping to help others understand more of what it is like so you can better help the ones you know who are battling an illness.

From the very beginning I have looked perfectly healthy. Yes, I lost my hair (twice now), but besides being bald (and losing my breasts) I looked fine. Yet I was receiving chemotherapy that made me very sick. I have had times of nausea, extreme fatigue, dizziness, muscle pain, numbness and tingling in hands and feet, open sores on my hands and feet, blurred vision... and that was just some of the effects of the chemo.

Then we move onto the surgery. I couldn't lift or hold my child for weeks. I had these tubes and drains hangin out of me. I slept in a recliner for over a month with ice packs on me. After this I went into radiation treatment. This caused additional fatigue and at the end open wounds and burns. I also have lymphedema that I still fight with all the time. My arm always hurts and swells easily which causes additional pain. The first radiation exasterbated this and caused scarring on the chest wall which caused muscle spasms.

I continued on more chemotherapy then again had more radiation. All of this has piled on more fatigue and more scarring. I am now to the point that I do not have very much range of motion in my left arm. The pectoral muscle is a steel rod (as my physical therapist says). The skin and muscle have adhered itself to my ribs. My PT and I are in the process of trying to break the scarring free to allow more movement and get the fluid out of the area. This fluid build up also causes alot of pain.

The point I am trying to make is this, Looks can be Deceiving. Although I "look" perfectly healthy. I am still battling cancer, chemotherapy and radiation effects, and emotions. I do not spend time complaining about these things to other people, because I do not want to always be complaining. I do not want people to only hear me talk about my problems. When people ask me how I am doing I say "pretty good" or "not too bad". I have 2 reasons for this. Reason 1: No one wants to hear complaining all the time. Reason 2: it is hard to tell if someone is asking me in general or really wants to know. If you want to really know what is going on ask more specific questions. This will tell them you really want to know how they are feeling and if they need anything.

Your friends or family who are fighting cancer or some other illness still need you. Do not take it for granted that because they look good they are good. Also remember, especially for those who have been battling it for a long time, they probably will not ask you for help. You will need to offer help. Don't just say "hey if you need anything let me know" If they are anything like me they won't.

WHY? People have helped you often and you start to feel like you are bothering people. You feel like you are a burden not a friend. When the battle goes on and on forever you feel like the only time you see your friends or family is when they have to help you. You don't want people to feel like you are using them, and you start to feel bad needing help although you can not help it.

It takes alot of help... I have to find a driver and a babysitter each time I go to the hospital for treatment, and a babysitter twice a week for physical therapy. I have to ask people to help me with these things. Other things, day to day things, I have been able to do on my own. This I am thankful for. Although I have had some times when it would have been easier to have help with Kenzie, but if I can do it myself I will not ask someone.. even if it would be easier... I have asked people for help enough I feel bad asking for more.

Also, remember your friend may not know if or when you are available to help, or even what you are willing to do. This has been one of my problems. I do not know who else to ask or if anyone else is even available so I have to ask the same people all the time.

Make yourself easily available and accessable. If you want to help, let your friend know you do and that you are serious about helping. If you have a free day and want to help out or visit call them up see if they will be home and want company. Sometimes it is just nice to have someone to visit with and break up the monotony of the days.

Also, remember each person is different and may need different things. Maybe your friend would just appreciate a phone call... I for one am not one of those types of people. I would much rather talk in person. I really don't like talking on the phone.. You probably know best what your friend would enjoy, but you can always ask!

Most importantly, no matter how good your friend looks. Always pray for them!! They need it physically and emotionally. This battle is fought on so many different levels, and everyone can offer some sort of help. Prayers are definitely an easy way to help the ones you love. It is something you can do at anytime, and will always help.