Waiting for the unknown

I have never been very good at waiting... I am the type of person who likes to give and open gifts early!  I mean really... when you get a gift for someone aren't you just so excited about giving it to them that you want to give it to them now! And I know there has to be a rule about gifts coming in the mail. When it comes in the mail you don't have to wait until the day, you get to open it right away!

I say all that simply to show slight proof of my lack of waiting skills. I don't like it in anything. I want to know what is going on right now, not tomorrow. I get anxious waiting to find out information in regards to my health.

Needless to say, during this entire battle it has been non-stop waiting. Waiting and worrying for the unknown. Worst of all it seems to never end. Just when I am given some good news, I am also given some "this may be bad, but we don't know" news with it. Talk about nerve racking! I can never celebrate the good news, because attached to it is a dark cloud of fear of the unknown.

I was positive after my first round of chemo and surgery that I had beat this thing... but not even 2 weeks later there was an unknown rash on my chest... turned out to be cancer, but the radiation was supposed to take care of it and appeared to. At that point I again thought, "I am done, we got it". I was on oral chemo for 6 months after that, and 2 months after I stopped chemo another rash appeared... the cancer again was back.

By this point I had given up thinking I was done. I knew I wasn't and my doctor made sure I knew that there was no chance of beating it. Plus the disappointment in having my hopes dashed nonstop was too much. I'd rather think on the worse side and be given good news then think it's all good and be given bad news.

I again had radiation to stop it, then began chemo once again. Through out this treatment I was preparing for the end. I began writing letters to Kenzie, and putting away things I wanted her to have. I even went through my closet and got rid of things I thought I'd never wear again. My doctor had made it quite clear that at stage IV this cancer was going to take my life, and with the aggressive nature of my cancer she only gave me 6 months.

Throughout these months my cancer continued to spread and grow although I was receiving treatment. It was during this that a friend told me about the clinic in GA. In talking to the doctor there I actually got a dash of hope. Hope I was afraid to even grasp on to, but wanted so badly to have. It was this treatment that finally turned my cancer around.

Finally my scans showed the cancer to be shrinking! I was so excited! The next scan showed the cancer to be gone in my liver and not growing in the other areas... and of course there was a but... BUT the redness on my chest had showed in the scan as lighting up brighter and may be the cancer...

So again we wait and re-scan. The next scan it lights up less so it probably isn't cancer, but my doctor makes sure I know she feels it is only a short time before it begins to grow again. Then some of the symptoms I was experiencing makes my doctor worry it may be in the brain. So another scan and the answer "there is a questionable area in the brain but we can't say for sure if it is or isn't cancer"! So again we wait... and wait... then rescan. The results "the spot is still there. We can't say if it is or isn't cancer, but if it is it's not growing so that's good" Again we wait. During this time I am not receiving any chemo so the cancer could very well be spreading in other organs and we wouldn't even know, because my doctor wants to wait 3 months before we scan!

So I have a questionable area in my brain that may be cancer, but it's not growing so the treatment isn't worth giving until it does grow. I am getting a much needed break from the chemo, but we won't know for 3 months if that break cost us and the cancer was growing unbeknownts to us. Although my doctor does continually tell me that she feels it will grow within a couple months whether on chemo or not. So in other words in her opinion it doesn't matter what we do I have no hope.

What my doctor doesn't know, is that my God can do anything. Yes, I hate the unknown and I hate waiting, but I do have hope. Although I hate getting my hopes up and having them dashed, I do believe that God can take this cancer from me or give me more time if He so chooses. Look what He has already done! According to my doctor I should be dead by now, but he took the untraditional treatment and stopped the cancer from growing and reversed some of it! He did what she didn't think was possible!

If I didn't have God to lean on during this "wait and see time" I think I would lose my mind! I don't know how someone who doesn't have faith in God can make it through cancer. He is my strength and hope. He holds me up when I can't go on. He also gives me peace in the knowledge of life after death. I know that if I don't win this battle it is okay. Although I don't want to leave my earthly family, I know that in death I get to be with Christ. He has prepared a home for me! Without that knowledge I would have no hope, no peace.

However, even in death that is still waiting for the unknown... death is unknown to me too. I have not experienced it and don't know what to expect, so that too gives me a little anxiety. But, I know who I have believed in and am persuaded that he is able to keep that which I've commited to unto Him against that day.