From Inside the Storm

Throughout my battle I have had several people ask me how I can keep such a positive attitude... and I am guessing many more wondering how I can make it through the ups and downs without breaking down. I thought I would take some time to talk about how this works for me.

When I first found out there was a possibility I had this cancer I was scared, but also wanted to keep thinking that it will turn out to be nothing. I researched the cancer so I knew what I was looking at, but then I did everything I could to destract myself from having to think about it. Deep down though I knew I had this cancer. I just kept hoping I was wrong. Of course, I did cry a little in worry when telling my husband what they were concerned it could be, but then I went into outward denial and inward fear.

Once it was confirmed I broke down and cried. I thought about all I was going to have to go through: losing my hair, getting sick, losing my breasts, losing my chance of having more children, not being there to raise my baby, maybe losing my life and thus my baby and family... This "breakdown" lasted for a couple of hours, but then by God's grace, somehow, I was able to detach myself from it. I don't know how it happens, but it happens everytime I get more bad news. I can talk about it to people and, for the most part, feel like I am talking about someone else.

I still think about it, but normally it is a quick, passing thought. There are harder days when it hits me again what I have gone through so far, what I will go through to come, and what I have and will lose. The never ending bad news is what keeps getting me. Everytime I think I am almost done, or this is it! More bad news... it is better for me not to get my hopes up.

I am not in a support group.... nor do I want to join one. In a support group about cancer, what are we going to talk about? Cancer. I don't want to dwell on my cancer. I want to feel normal again. I don't mind talking to people, who have cancer, about our experiences, but do not want to consistently, on schedule, focus on it. I have had someone, who I do not know but met one time at the hospital, consistently calling me to talk about what treatments her husband was going through, if I found any more natural treatments, etc... I dreaded when she called. I was happy to help her at first. I thought she was going to call the one time so I could tell her my experience with the alternative treatment, but she kept calling and wanting more information.. wanting me to do research for her since they didn't have internet... it was way to much for me to deal with! As hard as it was for me to tell her "Please stop calling me" I had to. I didn't want to talk about cancer all the time. I need to focus on life.

It would be wonderful to have someone I can talk to about what I feel, how I really feel, and what is going on with me mentally and physically... BUT who really wants to hear about someone's ailments. How depressing. Yes, my family is here for me. However, I don't feel I should talk to them about it all, because it only causes them pain and frustration. No one can take it away (But God).... I try occasionally to talk to Dean (when I am really overwhelmed and depressed), but it only causes problems. He's my husband... he feels he should be able to fix things, and he can't fix this. He can't do anything about the cancer, the constant pain, the deformities, the frustrations...

I do have people consistently ask me how I am doing... I normally say "not too bad" or "tired but good". These are my generic answers... why??? Well, sometimes you never know if someone is really wanting to know or just being nice. Also, I don't want people to think that all I do is complain, and some things have become so constant (ie: pain, fatigue..) I don't think of them. When someone inquires on how things are going I tell them where I am with the cancer: the results of the last test, treatment, options. But this is just the cancer... not all of what is going on with me. Again, I feel like I am just complaining if I tell someone about pain, or side effects, or some other issue I am dealing with.

I praise the Lord for the involuntary ability to disassociate from the cancer and what it may do to me. Those times when it is full reality are so difficult to deal with. The fear, saddness, pain, and anger are overwhelming. so, the day to day issues I deal with are the side effects from all the treatments.

I try to dwell on the positive, and pray and work for more life. I want to be here to watch Mackenzie grow up. I want more time with my family and friends. Instead of dwelling on the negative I look for the positive. For example: I can't have any more kids, but Praise the Lord I had Kenzie when I did or I may not have any! I've lost everything that makes me feminine, but at least I am still here. I am in pain all the time, but it's gotten better so I know it can be worse. I've been fighting this cancer for over 2 years, but Praise the Lord I am fighting and am still here!

~In everything give thanks~