Time Marches On

As I look back to the day I was diagnosed and when I began treatment, I am suprised to think it has now been over 2 years! Two years of chaos, confusion, and cancer. I honestly feel like my entire being has become one thing... cancer. All I ever seem to do is deal with, talk about, research, treat... cancer! I am so tired of CANCER!!! I have lost my identity to this horrible disease.

I still go through the daily routines of "living". I take care of my almost three year old baby girl. I clean the house when it needs it, make meals, do laundry, go to appointments, then go to more appointments, call the insurance company, call hospitals, try to find a babysitter twice a week so I can go to my appointment (some weeks three times) plus find someone to take me to my treatments..... A never ending list...

However, I realized recently that the motions of "living" isn't really living. I leave my house for appointments, church, the grocery store, and occasionally a quick visit at my mom's house. I am tired all the time so I've gotten into this routine that is easiest for me, but doesn't help me gain any more energy. I've lost the desire to do anything outside of what it takes to take care of my home and my family. I know most of it is because I am always tired... but the recent vacation we took showed me that it isn't just that. On this trip I was able to go to the beach and play with kenzie, walk the shoreline, rest in the afternoon, go for a drive... I was able to do these things! Yes, I was still tired and had Dean to help with Kenzie, but I was able to live!

Then I get home and go right back into the same routine that I just can't seem to break. I really have no desire to do anything extra... just what is necessary. I don't know if the cancer itself can be causing some of this or if it is just the fatigue from the last 2 years of treatments... Also, no one really asks to do anything with me so I don't make the effort to go anywhere.. plus I don't like doing things by myself. I like to be with people...

I guess I have just now realized the lack of desire to push myself to "live" a normal life... it also doesn't help that we are busy with appointments and Dean's work. I have become separated from friends... we are all busy, and I guess I understand how irritating it must be to constantly deal with a friend who has terminal cancer. I understand wanting to distance oneself from possible pain if that person passes on... it makes sense, but it doesn't make it any easier.

There really are three sets of people in my life. The ones who are with me consistently: family and church family, the friends who are busy but try to get together every once and a while, and the ones who've disappeared. The ones who are with me consistently see me more often, help with appointments or babysitting, and go through the ups and downs of cancer with me... but at times people forget that I have stage IV cancer, because although I am bald I don't look sick. This can be frustrating, because I am expected to do more then I can at times. At other times it seems no one asks me to do anything with them.. I am guessing because they think I can't do it... this makes it lonely. Plus, I feel bad always needing these people to help me with babysitting for appointments and giving rides for treatments....

I guess I say all this to make a point. Living ones life by yourself is not living at all. Life is made to be spent with those we love. Make memories, voice your love, show your feelings, sacrifice for others. Let your light shine!! A friend loveth at all times! The good, the bad, the busy... and it is a 2 way street. Something I have to work on. Be a friend not only to your friends but your family as well!

Time is short before you know it time will run out!

p.s.
Just wanted to let everyone know that I was not trying to make anyone feel guilty.. nor was I thinking of any specific people. I understand people live busy lives which make it hard to get together and keep in touch. We too deal with that as well, and our schedule causes problems with getting together with people. Sorry if I made anyone feel bad... that was not my intention.