I am a wife, a mother, a christian, a cancer victim, and a fighter. I was diagnosed with a rare, aggressive cancer April 2009. This cancer is virtually unknown. Inflammatory Breast Cancer accounts for 2-5% of breast cancers. Rare, yes, but yet on that "rare" chance I have it.
I fought my way through Chemotherapy, a double mastectomy, and radiation. Shortly after my mastectomy I found a "rash". When it did not go away I had it biopsied and found the cancer had returned. I was devasted. As a result, they maximized my radiation and put me on an oral chemotherapy to fight it.
I had several scares after this, but they all came back negative for cancer. Yet, everytime I fear it will be the time when I hear I have it again.
I am going through another one of those times now. I have another red spot, and more splotchy red spots appearing on my chest. I am scared to death that it is cancer and that I will die from this cancer. I try to not think about it, but I can't help but break down and weep at the thought of once again going through chemotherapy, being so sick I can hardly take care of myself let alone my baby girl, and losing the hair I finally grew back.
I just don't think I can do it. I don't think I can take anymore. I know God is in control, but He does not always give you the easy path. I fear mine will only get harder and harder, and I don't know if I can take anymore.
I am sorry my first post is so negative, but I just really needed to get that off my chest. I will probably get this last biopsy result tomorrow. All I can do is wait and pray.
Melanie,
ReplyDeleteI can't even for one second understand what it's like to be in your shoes. My heart would be breaking too if I thought I was going to have to leave my kids in this world without me. I will pray that you can find the perfect peace that only our Lord and Savior can give you. You are back in our prayer bulletin at church as well. When my brother passed away so unexpectedly I prayed for the rapture because I didn't want to go through the grief that I knew was ahead. I can imagine you feel similar right now with the unknowns of your future, but also the knowns of what chemo holds. Your post is not negative, it's real. It's the feelings you have right now and I pray that this blog will be a helpful outlet for you. It will help all of us pray more effectively.
BIG HUGS! (Need to smile? "Girl you're my angel, my darling angel!")
Thank you Ginny. It makes me feel better to know someone understands and does not judge me and tell me to trust the Lord. It is more then that. You can trust the Lord and still have emotions and fears.
ReplyDeleteAnd thanks for the smile! Brought back alot of memories!
Dear Melanie,
ReplyDeletePlease know that for the last year, my family has been praying, and will continue to pray for you and the rest of your family! I just wanted to encourage you a little in that you and your sister showing my brother, sister and me how much a "bus worker" loves her bus-kids is the reason we kept going to church when we were kids. Not that my mom didn't love us, but she worked full time, went to school full time, and had to make time for us. I thank God every day for the influence of a Godly bus worker, and have even written a song about it. I will send you the words on facebook :) I've had the privilege to be a bus worker for hundreds of kids now. I can't help but think maybe I wouldn't have cared so much about them if you and your sister hadn't cared. And for that I am soooo very thankful. May God show you in a very special way today that He loves you and His arms are wrapped around you and your family! Lots of Love in the Lord, Tina Marie
Hey mel,
ReplyDeleteim sorry this is happening to you. there is no reason something like this should happen to such a nice person like you. It's horrible knowing what you had to go through.
tyler muellenbach