Thank you God for my Cancer...

I posted briefly about this in my facebook, but wanted to go in to more detail here on my blog. I have been marking my Bible, for myself, but also for my daughter. I want her to see what I found as very important. I have been color coding my markings as well so she can see the subject right away. (ie: green for children, pink for love, etc..)


While marking some important verses I came across a verse I have known for years, but on this day it struck me with its complete meaning and convicted me for not following it. Here is the section I am referring to:

I Thessalonians 5:16-18

16Rejoice evermore.

17Pray without ceasing.

18In everything give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.

Verse 18 struck me... "In EVERYTHING give thanks" 

it does not say in all good things give thanks, it says in EVERYTHING. There is no other meaning for this word but all... everything... all inclusive. Nothing is left out. We are to thank God for Everything. 

When we thank God it is for the good things He gives us. We are more then willing to thank Him for the money He provides, the blessings He gives, but what about all the rest? I was so convicted when I read this and immediately my cancer came to mind. I have been fighting this cancer for almost 3 years, and in all those years not once have I thanked God for my cancer. I have thanked Him for the good results of some tests, for providing the money needed to cover medical bills, for family and friends helping out and lending a hand... but I have never thanked Him for my cancer.

I bowed my head right then and asked God to forgive me for not being thankful in all things. Then I told Him thank you for giving me this cancer. The concept, I know, sounds out of place and not right, but He commands this for a reason. When I thanked Him, a peace settled on me that I have not had in all this time. I knew I was doing the right thing. It is a work in progress as I take back my thanks when I feel bad, and then I have to again give it back to God and thank Him again. It is work, we are not used to being thankful for bad things... I don't understand why God wants us to give thanks for even the bad things, but He didn't say give thanks for good things He said in EVERYTHING give thanks. In every situation, every area, every piece of us give thanks. 

I have also been reading a book that references to Paul and his thorn in the flesh and how Paul took pleasure in it. After asking God to take it away many times he changed his attitude and took pleasure in it. He chose to find the good in it. I have tried to look only on the blessings during this time, but that is a hard thing to do all the time. There are times I want to bemoan my state and continue begging for my life. Although it is okay for me to ask God to take away my cancer, I also have to thank Him for it and take pleasure in it. I have to accept that this is my thorn and I may never be rid of it. I have to give it to God and not dwell on the negative.

I also look at Jesus and how he begged God to take this cup from Him... He didn't want to have to suffer death and taking on the sins of all man... but He was willing to do what was God's will. This gives me a good picture of what I am supposed to do. It is okay for me to cry my heart out and beg God to take this away, but in the end I have to accept whatever His will is for my life.  

I thank God for my cancer... without it I would not have met some of the wonderful people I have had the privilege of meeting, nor been blessed by so many people and in so many ways. I would not have touched the lives of the many people I have come in contact with. I would not have learned the many hard and wonderful lessons God has taught me in this fight. My doctor's would not have been able to see the hand of God as He chose to make the cancer shrink when they thought I would be dying. (although they do not outright admit it was God I know they know what I think and can't help but think that gets to them somehow) My friends and family would not have been blessed with answers to prayers as God continually would answer a prayer for help here and a plea for health there... 

God knows everything... we can not understand His ways for He is not of this world.. but in faith we can accept what He requires of us and we can willingly chose to follow His will and be blessed beyond measure.

I am way past the time my doctor said I would have. According to her I would have been gone last year around this time, but God had different plans. I will continue to fight as He gives me strength. I want to be here to watch my baby grow, but I have to accept the fact that He may not have that in the plans for me. I pray I have many more years, but continue to have this horrible gut feeling that I don't have much time before the cancer takes over.. BUT I do not know God's will only He does. I will continue to put it into His hands and trust Him.

Thank you God for all your blessings, for the cancer you allowed me to have, for my family and friends who surround me with love and prayers. Thank you for all things you have done and will continue to do in my life and the life of my family. Thank you for everything!

Need help from those who lost a parent at a young age...

I am wanting help from anyone who lost a parent when they were young. I want to know if your parent did or left you anything that made growing up without them easier.

I have a book that I have written letters in for her. They mostly are for specific ages to help through puberty and give her advice on how to act... what is right and wrong. I also have a scrapbook of me and her and me together... and many of all of us as she grows up.

I have a hope chest that I have filled with things that are important to me or special in anyway that I want to pass down to her, and I have put notes on everything to tell her what it is and what it meant to me.

I have a couple little video clips of her and I together so she can see me with her and hopefully see how much I love her.

I started doing these things shortly after I was diagnosed, because I wanted to be sure she would "remember" me. I also figured that even if God heals me she would like to have these things some day anyway.

I still have both of my parents and really don't know what would mean most to someone who has lost a parent. I am hoping there are some people out there who have some ideas for me.... Thanks for any advice :)

Still Fighting the Fight

Well, it's that time again! I just had another PET scan and brain MRI on Tuesday. Wednesday I met with my doctors and got the results. I hadn't had an MRI since my radiosurgery in September. I was a little anxious to see if the surgery had done anything. The good news is my brain looked good. It appears the surgery did it's job. This doesn't mean more met's can't turn up later but for now it is good.

 The bad news, the last PET scan in November they could not see any cancer so we continued the same chemo as it appeared to be working. This scan shows one of the many tumors has reappeared. It is only one of them, but it came back while on chemo this time not even while taking a break from treatment. This is not a good thing. It shows that the cancer has become resistant to this chemo. Although I am upset over this and was hoping and praying for more time with no cancer being seen on the scans, I have to look at the big picture. I have been on this same chemo for a year now. That is actually amazing. My doctor told me when the cancer began spreading, and the goal went from killing the cancer to managing it, that chemo's will work for maybe 3 months or so and then the cancer becomes resistant so we will have to change chemo when that happens. Well, this chemo worked alot longer then that. Praise the Lord for giving me that extra time!

Since the cancer is becoming resistant we have to change chemo's. Unfortunately, I have had many different chemo's now and don't have many choices. My doctor would like to get me in a trial. They are all phase I trials, which means there isn't any proof that it will work, but they are coming at the cancer in a different way. We have been in the process of appealing the insurance company to cover a trial. In the past they have been clear that they will not cover anything to do with a trial or complications of a trial... so this has kept me out of them. Yesterday the insurance company told me I had to purchase Medicare and it is to be my primary insurance. Although it is going to cost us more, Medicare will cover 80% of trials. So if the insurance company will be willing to cover the other 20% I will probably be entering a trial.

In the meantime, we will be switching to another chemotherapy. I was not willing to hold off chemo to see if the insurance will work with us, because you never know how long that will take. I felt that if the cancer was growing while on chemo it could explode while off. 

Thank you all for your prayers and support during this never ending battle. It is hard for me to believe in a couple months it will be 3 years battling this obsessive disease. Part of the time I hate that I have to continually fight to be here, and the other part I am thanking God for giving me way longer than my doctor ever thought I would have. October of 2010 when the cancer began spreading my doctor felt I only had 6 months. It is now 2012 and praise the Lord I am here and only 1 tumor is big enough to see on the scans. 

I am still praying the Lord will miraculously heal me, but I also know that He may not choose to do that. Although I can not say I am ready to leave my loved ones, it is becoming more realistic each time the cancer grows. I try to not think about it, but there are times when it hits me that this time next year I may not be here. I know that should not make me sad, because I will be in Heaven with my loving Father.... but I am human and as I have never seen Heaven or been there to experience it, I can't picture it but can picture and feel what it would be like to have to leave those I love behind. I think I hurt more for them then I do for myself, and I am a control freak and hate the thought of not being here to raise my baby girl. But these are things I am trying to put in the Lord's hands, and hopefully when the time draws near I will be at peace and have anticipation to meet my Heavenly Father and see my Heavenly home to wait for the ones I love to join me.

Another Thanksgiving to be Thankful for

Sorry it has been a while since I have written anything.... I have been busy with appointments and of course the holiday! I love the Fall, and this year I have greatly enjoyed it for many different reasons. First of all, I am so thankful to be here to see this Fall. Last October my doctor felt I had 6 months to live. The Lord has graciously allowed me to be here to enjoy the best Fall I have seen in years! We had beautiful colors for several months! Last Fall the leaves had just started to change when a storm hit and all the leaves fell off the trees!

I enjoyed several walks with Mackenzie and was amazed at God's handiwork. We both collected leaves on each walk and used them to decorate with. We did projects with them and was able to enjoy them even longer.  Each Fall since being diagnosed I have had to deal with hard parts of treatment as well as bad PET results. This year was no different, but the Lord has given me the strength to make it through and still be able to enjoy nature's beauty.

As you all know I received a pretty bad PET result in September. I had 6 spots on my liver, a spot in the lymph node by my stomach, and a questionable spot on my T1 vertebrae. I went through 2 rounds of chemo, i.e. 6 weeks of treatment. Then we did another PET scan. in those 6 weeks God performed another miracle! This PET showed nothing in the liver or anywhere else, except the spot in my vertebrae. PrAiSe ThE LoRd!!!! My doctors were shocked and amazed!

My radiation oncologist put both PET scans up side by side for me to see. The difference was shocking. The first PET was completely brighter (By this I mean my entire torso was lit up with the spots they pointed out as cancer brighter then the rest) The new scan was entirely darker and no spots except my spine... the entire spine is lit up with the spot on the T1 vertebrae brighter. They are unsure if this is cancer or a bone marrow issue. However, I am now undergoing a chemo for the bone that works for cancer and the bone marrow. Hopefully this will help.

I am again amazed and humbled by the Lord's answer to prayer. He is our Great Physician, and only He knows where our path leads. I pray He allows this to continue, but even if He doesn't He has given me much more time then my doctors ever felt was possible and that alone requires my thanks!

Thanksgiving... it is not just a holiday. It is everywhere, all the time, in everything. Praise God from whom all blessings flow!

Conversations with God

I try to keep my thoughts in check when it comes to how I feel about things... I also try to never express them out loud. I feel the devil can use that as fire in his war against us. However, I have been burdened recently to share some of my thoughts and feelings during these times. I have this unrelenting feeling that just maybe it can help someone else who is going through a battle. It may be a physical battle or an emotional battle or like mine, both.

Recently I have been doing a Bible study on the book of Job with a friend. I have found so often that I share some of the same feelings Job does. Although I am not comparing my experiences to Job's, or the reason why he was suffering to mine either. Like Job, I have no idea why I am going through this, and like Job I have experienced one thing after another (although not as quickly as Job). 

I struggle with why God will not take this cancer away from me. I have not really questioned Him as to why me, but I have asked many times why now.. why this.. why won't it stop. I have, like Job, wondered why God ever created me if this was what He was going to put me through. I know God is good and is not vindictive, but I have so many times felt that for some reason He is picking on me. I know that sounds ridiculous and petty, but it is a feeling I have had often. For instance, my cancer was finally going away and I was able to take a break from chemo... FINALLY!!! I was off for a month and my hair was growing back a little, I was getting more energy, and I was having to run around less for doctor appointments. Life was somewhat normal. Then Dean starts having problems again at work. His boss decides to cut his pay by $1.50. I start getting pains in my stomach again and more dizziness. Then I find out my cancer has returned once again and is worse then it has ever been. So chemo again, which means more fatigue, more nausea, more hair loss. On top of that I have to have radiation surgery on my brain. Plus, my husband was thrown on second shift which left me responsible for Kenzie's care non-stop without help... The list goes on and on and on. 

Each time something new is added to the list it makes me feel like God is saying "oh wait, here take this and this..." Again, I know He doesn't work that way and I am sure the devil is responsible for it, but my mind keeps telling me God can stop it so why is He allowing all of this to happen and can't He ever just give me a break. I fight the feeling that God has something against me. Off and on I have wondered, as Job's friends did, if I have some sin I am being punished for. I have searched my heart and looked for any unconfessed sin and I have not found any. I am not trying to compare myself to Job. I can't imagine God telling Satan I am an upright and righteous women and giving him permission to test me. I am far from perfect and have done my fair share of sinning, but I do try to keep a short account of my sin. 

So, I don't think God is punishing me for sin. He has told us that if we ask Him to forgive us He does. So I know my sins have been forgiven. I am very thankful that I do not have any friends like Job who come to "comfort" him but just condemn him for some hidden sin when it was not the fact. I have no idea if any of them are thinking that, but I am glad no one has said it to my face!

This battle has been one thing after another for over 2 1/2 years. It is never ending, and I feel like I can never get a break. It is hard to separate my emotions with the facts I know about God. It is hard to picture God is perfect and... well... God, rather then with the imperfections we all have. I have to remind myself often that God is not vindictive. He does not choose favorites. He does not do things just to get a kick out of it and maybe have a good laugh at someone. These are things imperfect humans do not God. 

Emotions are hard to handle just as the unknown is hard to deal with. Job expressed his agony at losing everything but his wife and one servant. He talks about his pain at having his friends accuse him of sin when he knew he had none. He says he wishes he would never have been born. It would have been easier on him and his loved ones if he had never been born.. this I understand. If I have never been born I would never have loved or been loved. I would not have experienced this pain and the pain of knowing I will be leaving my loved ones. Nor would the ones I love have had to deal with all the downs of this illness in the end resulting in the pain of loss. 

Throughout all of Job's struggle, he never knew why he was going through it. He didn't know that God was allowing Satan to test him because He knew he was a good, upright, righteous man. Satan was trying to prove that if Job wasn't blessed in his life but made to suffer he would turn his back on God. Although job never knew this, he also never turned his back on God! He expressed his pain and the emotions he went through, but he remained good and upright and stood with God! I pray I too can stay standing with God and not allow my hurt and anger to take over. I wish I knew why I have to go through this... I wish God would see fit to make it stop... He may never let me know why... He will make it stop though. Whether He decides to perform a miracle and take it away, or whether He takes me to Heaven. It will stop, and when I get to Heaven I will finally know the why.

If you are struggling in a battle of your own just remember to lean on God. Trust in Him even when your mind tells you He has betrayed you and He is the reason you are in the battle. Remember it is not God who causes these things, but Satan who walks about seeking whom he may devour. Once sin entered into this world suffering began. We will all suffer in someway or another in our lives, but if we look around us we will also see the blessings. 

God has blessed me in so many ways, and many of these blessings would never have been seen in my life if I had not gone through all of this. In all things I can find something to thank God for... this is what I have to keep my mind dwelling on. This is what keeps me going and keeps me sane. Finding the blessings! Look for your blessings. Find things to praise the Lord for... this helps take away the pain of our suffering and loss. Stay strong, keep the faith, fight for what is right, and never forsake God.

And the Treatments go on.. and on.. and on...

After meeting with the Radiation oncologist and discussing the pro's and con's and possible side effects of Stereotactic Radiation surgery, we decided to go ahead with it... I really didn't have much option. I could allow it to continue to grow, have the radiation surgery, or whole brain radiation... Kind of was a no brainer.

Stereotactic Radiation surgery is radiation focused on a specific point. The goal is to eradicate the tumor while not affecting very much of the healthy brain cells. My husband and I met with the radiation oncologist Monday and received a call Tuesday that they wanted to do the procedure Wednesday... So yesterday morning we made it to the hospital at 7am. By 8am I was being taken down to have the halo attached. I was extremely nervous about having this screwed into my head. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. They numbed my head in 4 different areas. They then hand screwed in the halo. Once they got the screws in it caused a ton of pressure, but after a while the pressure went down and it was just a small ache.

After they got the halo on they then attached the halo (and me of course) to a CAT scan machine and did a scan of my brain. I then was taken back to my room to sit and wait for them to get the plan made. The only bad part about the waiting was still having the halo attached to my head. It did not allow me to rest my head or neck. I had to hold it up all day. My shoulders and neck were not pleased with this.... 2:30 they were done with the plan and took me back down to do the procedure.

For the procedure they attached the halo to the table so I could not move at all. Then they used 5 beams at different angles to perform the surgery. This only took 20 minutes. They then removed the halo... which actually hurt worse then going in. The pressure in my head and sinuses was horrible! Then as it started to go down the "holes" started to hurt and my stomach got so upset. Fortunately this did not last all night.

So we were at the hospital at 7 am and left at 4pm... amazing considering all they had to do in the day.
There aren't supposed to be any long term side effects... so that is good. At this point I just have pain where the screws were in, a sore throat, sinus pressure, and fatigue. Hopefully this will be gone in a couple days.

I start chemotherapy Thursday, October 6th. I will be going once a week, 2 weeks on 1 week off. The radiation oncologists plans for this procedure to have taken care of the tumor in the brain, and now the chemo will be to control the rest of the cancer. My prayer once again is to stop it all together... Thank you all for your prayers and encouragement during all of this.

What runs through my mind....

With once again facing the possible beginning of the end for me, there is a lot of things going through my mind. Most of the time I try not to think about it, because it is too painful. When I received the call that there was a tumor in my brain and 6 spots in my liver on top of the lymph node near my stomach and the two questionable spots - one on my left, 2nd rib and the other on my T1 vertebrae. I broke down at this point, and Kenzie was in the room. She was so sweet. She gave me a kleenex, hugged me, and told me it's okay don't cry... of course that made me cry more.

I learned a valuable lesson that day... I heard Kenzie get up from her nap... then I heard her run back to her room. I went upstairs and she was in her bed completely under the blankets. I flipped the blankets back and asked her if she wanted to go for a walk. She pulled the blankets back over her head and told me she didn't want to get up... then she started crying. It took me a while to calm her down so we could go on a walk, but the rest of the day she was moody. Lesson? Don't cry in front of her. She feels so much and it upset her. She may not understand what is happening but she knows something is happening and she knows it is not good.

Also, during this time I've had a few people try to encourage me and make sure I don't turn my back on or become angry with God. I have to say turning my back on Him never came to my mind.. One of the other things mentioned to me was how people in similar situations have a hard time believing that God is good... again this never crossed my mind. My faith in God is set. I will not turn my back on Him. I also know that God is good, but He does not allow only good to come to us. When sin entered into the world so did evil, and no matter what we do or who we are we will experience both good and evil. We will have blessings and trials. I have experienced anger and frustration. I have put all my faith and hope in my prayers for healing and I believed He would heal me... but it just gets worse. Then my hopes are dashed and honestly that is worse then expecting the worst and getting it.

What I don't understand is why God, who is all powerful, is not choosing to perform a miracle and stop the cancer. For over 2 years I have begged and pleaded for God to heal me, to give me more time. I guess He has technically done a little of both. He stopped the cancer for a couple of months, and I'm still here although my doctor felt my time would have ran out months ago. But that was not my prayer or what I was believing He would do. It is very hard to keep having faith in something when the results are a continuous downward spiral. I have had faith as the women who touched Jesus' cloak.. that if I believed He would heal me. Faith the grain of a mustard seed can move mountains.. why can't it heal me.

I know we do not always get what we want. I know that we can not control our time on this earth... but we are told to pray believing and have faith because God can do anything. When do we accept what is going to happen and stop praying for a miracle? When are we supposed to come to terms with what God has for us and stop asking Him to change it? I guess I don't understand this part, and am not sure what I am supposed to do now.

The hardest part for me is knowing I will be leaving Mackenzie behind. She's just a baby. She will not remember me. I won't be here to take care of her or help her. I have to give all control over to those I am leaving behind. Not having control over what happens to her is what kills me. I want a plan. I want to make sure Dean will be okay and will be able to take care of our baby. I want her to remember me. To know that although I wasn't allowed to stay here with her I love her and always will love her. I want to know that she will be loved and cared for as I would have done.

When you prepare and think about your future you do not think or prepare for death...  it just doesn't seem natural. Of course, we are to live our lives in such a way that we are laying up treasures in Heaven which in a sense is preparing for death, but it just doesn't seem the same to me.

For those of you who do not know what to say to me... it is okay. I don't know what to say either! I appreciate those people who are sensitive to Mackenzie's presence. I know some people feel I should talk to someone who has the same cancer as me, and honestly at the beginning I wanted that. Now, there really aren't anything I can ask them that I don't already know. Also, I am much better communicating my feelings via email then on the phone. I don't want to be emotional all the time and voicing my feelings makes me want to cry. And I hate talking on the phone! :)

So, what's running through my mind? questions only God can answer... thoughts of a future I was planning but only God knows the number of our days... trying to control the future, but God is the only all powerful one. Confusion, chaos, frustration, sadness, pain... this is what my mind has become. But as has happened before, I am sure God will give me peace and the ability to make it through this battle too.