Throughout my battle I have had several people ask me how I can keep such a positive attitude... and I am guessing many more wondering how I can make it through the ups and downs without breaking down. I thought I would take some time to talk about how this works for me.
When I first found out there was a possibility I had this cancer I was scared, but also wanted to keep thinking that it will turn out to be nothing. I researched the cancer so I knew what I was looking at, but then I did everything I could to destract myself from having to think about it. Deep down though I knew I had this cancer. I just kept hoping I was wrong. Of course, I did cry a little in worry when telling my husband what they were concerned it could be, but then I went into outward denial and inward fear.
Once it was confirmed I broke down and cried. I thought about all I was going to have to go through: losing my hair, getting sick, losing my breasts, losing my chance of having more children, not being there to raise my baby, maybe losing my life and thus my baby and family... This "breakdown" lasted for a couple of hours, but then by God's grace, somehow, I was able to detach myself from it. I don't know how it happens, but it happens everytime I get more bad news. I can talk about it to people and, for the most part, feel like I am talking about someone else.
I still think about it, but normally it is a quick, passing thought. There are harder days when it hits me again what I have gone through so far, what I will go through to come, and what I have and will lose. The never ending bad news is what keeps getting me. Everytime I think I am almost done, or this is it! More bad news... it is better for me not to get my hopes up.
I am not in a support group.... nor do I want to join one. In a support group about cancer, what are we going to talk about? Cancer. I don't want to dwell on my cancer. I want to feel normal again. I don't mind talking to people, who have cancer, about our experiences, but do not want to consistently, on schedule, focus on it. I have had someone, who I do not know but met one time at the hospital, consistently calling me to talk about what treatments her husband was going through, if I found any more natural treatments, etc... I dreaded when she called. I was happy to help her at first. I thought she was going to call the one time so I could tell her my experience with the alternative treatment, but she kept calling and wanting more information.. wanting me to do research for her since they didn't have internet... it was way to much for me to deal with! As hard as it was for me to tell her "Please stop calling me" I had to. I didn't want to talk about cancer all the time. I need to focus on life.
It would be wonderful to have someone I can talk to about what I feel, how I really feel, and what is going on with me mentally and physically... BUT who really wants to hear about someone's ailments. How depressing. Yes, my family is here for me. However, I don't feel I should talk to them about it all, because it only causes them pain and frustration. No one can take it away (But God).... I try occasionally to talk to Dean (when I am really overwhelmed and depressed), but it only causes problems. He's my husband... he feels he should be able to fix things, and he can't fix this. He can't do anything about the cancer, the constant pain, the deformities, the frustrations...
I do have people consistently ask me how I am doing... I normally say "not too bad" or "tired but good". These are my generic answers... why??? Well, sometimes you never know if someone is really wanting to know or just being nice. Also, I don't want people to think that all I do is complain, and some things have become so constant (ie: pain, fatigue..) I don't think of them. When someone inquires on how things are going I tell them where I am with the cancer: the results of the last test, treatment, options. But this is just the cancer... not all of what is going on with me. Again, I feel like I am just complaining if I tell someone about pain, or side effects, or some other issue I am dealing with.
I praise the Lord for the involuntary ability to disassociate from the cancer and what it may do to me. Those times when it is full reality are so difficult to deal with. The fear, saddness, pain, and anger are overwhelming. so, the day to day issues I deal with are the side effects from all the treatments.
I try to dwell on the positive, and pray and work for more life. I want to be here to watch Mackenzie grow up. I want more time with my family and friends. Instead of dwelling on the negative I look for the positive. For example: I can't have any more kids, but Praise the Lord I had Kenzie when I did or I may not have any! I've lost everything that makes me feminine, but at least I am still here. I am in pain all the time, but it's gotten better so I know it can be worse. I've been fighting this cancer for over 2 years, but Praise the Lord I am fighting and am still here!
~In everything give thanks~
Monday, July 25, 2011
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Time Marches On
As I look back to the day I was diagnosed and when I began treatment, I am suprised to think it has now been over 2 years! Two years of chaos, confusion, and cancer. I honestly feel like my entire being has become one thing... cancer. All I ever seem to do is deal with, talk about, research, treat... cancer! I am so tired of CANCER!!! I have lost my identity to this horrible disease.
I still go through the daily routines of "living". I take care of my almost three year old baby girl. I clean the house when it needs it, make meals, do laundry, go to appointments, then go to more appointments, call the insurance company, call hospitals, try to find a babysitter twice a week so I can go to my appointment (some weeks three times) plus find someone to take me to my treatments..... A never ending list...
However, I realized recently that the motions of "living" isn't really living. I leave my house for appointments, church, the grocery store, and occasionally a quick visit at my mom's house. I am tired all the time so I've gotten into this routine that is easiest for me, but doesn't help me gain any more energy. I've lost the desire to do anything outside of what it takes to take care of my home and my family. I know most of it is because I am always tired... but the recent vacation we took showed me that it isn't just that. On this trip I was able to go to the beach and play with kenzie, walk the shoreline, rest in the afternoon, go for a drive... I was able to do these things! Yes, I was still tired and had Dean to help with Kenzie, but I was able to live!
Then I get home and go right back into the same routine that I just can't seem to break. I really have no desire to do anything extra... just what is necessary. I don't know if the cancer itself can be causing some of this or if it is just the fatigue from the last 2 years of treatments... Also, no one really asks to do anything with me so I don't make the effort to go anywhere.. plus I don't like doing things by myself. I like to be with people...
I guess I have just now realized the lack of desire to push myself to "live" a normal life... it also doesn't help that we are busy with appointments and Dean's work. I have become separated from friends... we are all busy, and I guess I understand how irritating it must be to constantly deal with a friend who has terminal cancer. I understand wanting to distance oneself from possible pain if that person passes on... it makes sense, but it doesn't make it any easier.
There really are three sets of people in my life. The ones who are with me consistently: family and church family, the friends who are busy but try to get together every once and a while, and the ones who've disappeared. The ones who are with me consistently see me more often, help with appointments or babysitting, and go through the ups and downs of cancer with me... but at times people forget that I have stage IV cancer, because although I am bald I don't look sick. This can be frustrating, because I am expected to do more then I can at times. At other times it seems no one asks me to do anything with them.. I am guessing because they think I can't do it... this makes it lonely. Plus, I feel bad always needing these people to help me with babysitting for appointments and giving rides for treatments....
I guess I say all this to make a point. Living ones life by yourself is not living at all. Life is made to be spent with those we love. Make memories, voice your love, show your feelings, sacrifice for others. Let your light shine!! A friend loveth at all times! The good, the bad, the busy... and it is a 2 way street. Something I have to work on. Be a friend not only to your friends but your family as well!
Time is short before you know it time will run out!
p.s.
Just wanted to let everyone know that I was not trying to make anyone feel guilty.. nor was I thinking of any specific people. I understand people live busy lives which make it hard to get together and keep in touch. We too deal with that as well, and our schedule causes problems with getting together with people. Sorry if I made anyone feel bad... that was not my intention.
I still go through the daily routines of "living". I take care of my almost three year old baby girl. I clean the house when it needs it, make meals, do laundry, go to appointments, then go to more appointments, call the insurance company, call hospitals, try to find a babysitter twice a week so I can go to my appointment (some weeks three times) plus find someone to take me to my treatments..... A never ending list...
However, I realized recently that the motions of "living" isn't really living. I leave my house for appointments, church, the grocery store, and occasionally a quick visit at my mom's house. I am tired all the time so I've gotten into this routine that is easiest for me, but doesn't help me gain any more energy. I've lost the desire to do anything outside of what it takes to take care of my home and my family. I know most of it is because I am always tired... but the recent vacation we took showed me that it isn't just that. On this trip I was able to go to the beach and play with kenzie, walk the shoreline, rest in the afternoon, go for a drive... I was able to do these things! Yes, I was still tired and had Dean to help with Kenzie, but I was able to live!
Then I get home and go right back into the same routine that I just can't seem to break. I really have no desire to do anything extra... just what is necessary. I don't know if the cancer itself can be causing some of this or if it is just the fatigue from the last 2 years of treatments... Also, no one really asks to do anything with me so I don't make the effort to go anywhere.. plus I don't like doing things by myself. I like to be with people...
I guess I have just now realized the lack of desire to push myself to "live" a normal life... it also doesn't help that we are busy with appointments and Dean's work. I have become separated from friends... we are all busy, and I guess I understand how irritating it must be to constantly deal with a friend who has terminal cancer. I understand wanting to distance oneself from possible pain if that person passes on... it makes sense, but it doesn't make it any easier.
There really are three sets of people in my life. The ones who are with me consistently: family and church family, the friends who are busy but try to get together every once and a while, and the ones who've disappeared. The ones who are with me consistently see me more often, help with appointments or babysitting, and go through the ups and downs of cancer with me... but at times people forget that I have stage IV cancer, because although I am bald I don't look sick. This can be frustrating, because I am expected to do more then I can at times. At other times it seems no one asks me to do anything with them.. I am guessing because they think I can't do it... this makes it lonely. Plus, I feel bad always needing these people to help me with babysitting for appointments and giving rides for treatments....
I guess I say all this to make a point. Living ones life by yourself is not living at all. Life is made to be spent with those we love. Make memories, voice your love, show your feelings, sacrifice for others. Let your light shine!! A friend loveth at all times! The good, the bad, the busy... and it is a 2 way street. Something I have to work on. Be a friend not only to your friends but your family as well!
Time is short before you know it time will run out!
p.s.
Just wanted to let everyone know that I was not trying to make anyone feel guilty.. nor was I thinking of any specific people. I understand people live busy lives which make it hard to get together and keep in touch. We too deal with that as well, and our schedule causes problems with getting together with people. Sorry if I made anyone feel bad... that was not my intention.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Continued Treatments
Hello Again! It has been quite a ride the last 2 1/2 years and I feel the need to re-hash what all has happened.
First I had my first child!!!
Then 6 months later I am diagnosed with a deadly cancer.
I complete my chemotherapy, have a double mastectomy, then have a maximum life dose of radiation. During this time my cancer returns... not good but not as bad as it could be because it is still stage III and not stage IV - which is considered uncurable.
After radiation I had 6 months of oral chemo.
Then 3 months later my cancer returns yet again. This time the news is very bad... the cancer had spread to my liver. This now makes me stage IV... the doctor gave me 6 months to live in October 2010. I am now at the 6 month mark and I am still fighting my butt off to beat this cancer.
After receiving the news of my shortened life schedule a friend told me about a clinic in Georgia that integrates traditional and non-traditional treatment. Since my oncologist did not have any hope to offer me and pretty much told me they could only continue chemo until my body shut down and could handle it no longer... more or less I'd die from the chemo before the cancer, I felt I had to try something else!
I went for my first treatment in January 2011. I was there for 6 weeks (an eternity without my baby girl!) During this time my white blood count plummeted and I was pretty sick for a couple of weeks. However, when I returned I had a PET scan and the treatment worked!!!! While receiving traditional chemotherapy with my oncologist my cancer was growing. In December I had 2 spots in my liver and one in my lung. After this treatment the 2 spots in the liver shrunk drastically and the one in the lung shrunk by half!
My oncologist decided to change the type of chemo to the ones I was receiving in GA since it was working. Of course I can't receive any of the other treatments since a traditional oncologist can not do anything natural.
5 weeks after the first GA trip I went back for 2 more weeks of treatment. The doctors in GA added an extra chemo and another item. I had an allergic reaction to one of them and then my red blood count was practically depleted. What was to be my last day in GA I was extremely sick and ended up in the ER with blood levels at critcal level. I was admitted to the hospital and given 3 units of blood. My mother and I drive to GA... but obviously this made my driving home impossible so my dad flew down and helped my mom drive us home.
Now 2 weeks later my blood levels have returned to normal and I will continue with the planned chemo here at home. After this round of treatments I will be scheduled for another PET scan to see what is going on with the cancer.
While I was in GA this last time a friend had a fundraiser at the Pizza Ranch. (There are also 2 more in the works.) In a couple of weeks another friend is having a Brat fry/garage sale for me and a neighbor is working on something too. The donations have definitely helped. Especially since we have a large deductible and out of pocket... and the treatment in GA is being completely denied by insurance. Cancer is a very expensive ordeal.
Thank you all for your prayers and donations. We sincerely appreciate everything! I have been asked to re-post where people can mail donations.
Melanie Decker
C/O Marine Credit Union
P.O. Box 510
Waupun, WI 53963
Also in an earlier post there is a link to my paypal account.
Thank you all again!
First I had my first child!!!
Then 6 months later I am diagnosed with a deadly cancer.
I complete my chemotherapy, have a double mastectomy, then have a maximum life dose of radiation. During this time my cancer returns... not good but not as bad as it could be because it is still stage III and not stage IV - which is considered uncurable.
After radiation I had 6 months of oral chemo.
Then 3 months later my cancer returns yet again. This time the news is very bad... the cancer had spread to my liver. This now makes me stage IV... the doctor gave me 6 months to live in October 2010. I am now at the 6 month mark and I am still fighting my butt off to beat this cancer.
After receiving the news of my shortened life schedule a friend told me about a clinic in Georgia that integrates traditional and non-traditional treatment. Since my oncologist did not have any hope to offer me and pretty much told me they could only continue chemo until my body shut down and could handle it no longer... more or less I'd die from the chemo before the cancer, I felt I had to try something else!
I went for my first treatment in January 2011. I was there for 6 weeks (an eternity without my baby girl!) During this time my white blood count plummeted and I was pretty sick for a couple of weeks. However, when I returned I had a PET scan and the treatment worked!!!! While receiving traditional chemotherapy with my oncologist my cancer was growing. In December I had 2 spots in my liver and one in my lung. After this treatment the 2 spots in the liver shrunk drastically and the one in the lung shrunk by half!
My oncologist decided to change the type of chemo to the ones I was receiving in GA since it was working. Of course I can't receive any of the other treatments since a traditional oncologist can not do anything natural.
5 weeks after the first GA trip I went back for 2 more weeks of treatment. The doctors in GA added an extra chemo and another item. I had an allergic reaction to one of them and then my red blood count was practically depleted. What was to be my last day in GA I was extremely sick and ended up in the ER with blood levels at critcal level. I was admitted to the hospital and given 3 units of blood. My mother and I drive to GA... but obviously this made my driving home impossible so my dad flew down and helped my mom drive us home.
Now 2 weeks later my blood levels have returned to normal and I will continue with the planned chemo here at home. After this round of treatments I will be scheduled for another PET scan to see what is going on with the cancer.
While I was in GA this last time a friend had a fundraiser at the Pizza Ranch. (There are also 2 more in the works.) In a couple of weeks another friend is having a Brat fry/garage sale for me and a neighbor is working on something too. The donations have definitely helped. Especially since we have a large deductible and out of pocket... and the treatment in GA is being completely denied by insurance. Cancer is a very expensive ordeal.
Thank you all for your prayers and donations. We sincerely appreciate everything! I have been asked to re-post where people can mail donations.
Melanie Decker
C/O Marine Credit Union
P.O. Box 510
Waupun, WI 53963
Also in an earlier post there is a link to my paypal account.
Thank you all again!
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Praise The Lord for He is the Great Physician
I am home from Georgia, but will be returning for 2 more weeks of treatment in a couple of weeks.
I had a PET scan last week and had some great news!!! The cancer has shrunk! While receiving treatment here in WI the cancer grew. I have 2 spots in my liver and one in my lung according to Decembers PET scan. They thought the spot in the lung was nothing and would go away, but this new PET scan proved that it indeed is cancer. However, it has shrunk over half!
So in the 6 weeks I was there - 4 of which I had chemo - my cancer shrunk. That is amazing! Glory to God!!!! I and many other's have been praying for God's healing and He has proven His power and might!
Please continue to pray for healing and financial needs. This cost more then we will ever have - between treatment, deductible, out-of-pocket, medicine, and supplements (add onto that healthty food) we are in over our heads but we are trusting the Lord to provide!
I had a PET scan last week and had some great news!!! The cancer has shrunk! While receiving treatment here in WI the cancer grew. I have 2 spots in my liver and one in my lung according to Decembers PET scan. They thought the spot in the lung was nothing and would go away, but this new PET scan proved that it indeed is cancer. However, it has shrunk over half!
So in the 6 weeks I was there - 4 of which I had chemo - my cancer shrunk. That is amazing! Glory to God!!!! I and many other's have been praying for God's healing and He has proven His power and might!
Please continue to pray for healing and financial needs. This cost more then we will ever have - between treatment, deductible, out-of-pocket, medicine, and supplements (add onto that healthty food) we are in over our heads but we are trusting the Lord to provide!
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Further Treatment
Hello everyone,
I am in GA receiving treatments. This is my fifth week here. It has been crazy busy and alot of side effects and stuff to deal with so I haven't been on to update! Figured I better get an update on here so you all know what is going on.
We made the decision last minute to come fore the first 6 week course of treatment. The Lord provided a backup plan for payment through our credit card. Although we did not want to go into debt with the credit card we figured it was the only way we could do it. However, for this first round the Lord has seen fit to provide almost all of the needed money. It has been a huge blessing to see God provide through you. other friends. my church family, and perfect strangers!
We were able to get into the Hope Lodge which provides us with free housing, laundry facilities, and great company with other cancer patients. Praise the Lord for his continued provision and guidance.
I will not know if this treatment is working until we get a PET scan in a couple weeks. If it has stayed the same or shrunk then it is working. I am praying that is the case. Since my original oncologist has given me no options besides chemo until it doesn't work anymore or my body shuts down I really need for this option to work.
While I have been here my tumor markers have gone down. I have had some problems with my health and White Blood Count going down, but otherwise not too bad. Can't wait to feel like normal again. Unforuntately my hair is again falling out but I am praying it only thins this time.
Thank you all again for your prayers and donations. Thank you for being such a huge blessing to me!
I am in GA receiving treatments. This is my fifth week here. It has been crazy busy and alot of side effects and stuff to deal with so I haven't been on to update! Figured I better get an update on here so you all know what is going on.
We made the decision last minute to come fore the first 6 week course of treatment. The Lord provided a backup plan for payment through our credit card. Although we did not want to go into debt with the credit card we figured it was the only way we could do it. However, for this first round the Lord has seen fit to provide almost all of the needed money. It has been a huge blessing to see God provide through you. other friends. my church family, and perfect strangers!
We were able to get into the Hope Lodge which provides us with free housing, laundry facilities, and great company with other cancer patients. Praise the Lord for his continued provision and guidance.
I will not know if this treatment is working until we get a PET scan in a couple weeks. If it has stayed the same or shrunk then it is working. I am praying that is the case. Since my original oncologist has given me no options besides chemo until it doesn't work anymore or my body shuts down I really need for this option to work.
While I have been here my tumor markers have gone down. I have had some problems with my health and White Blood Count going down, but otherwise not too bad. Can't wait to feel like normal again. Unforuntately my hair is again falling out but I am praying it only thins this time.
Thank you all again for your prayers and donations. Thank you for being such a huge blessing to me!
Thursday, December 9, 2010
New Medical Options
I am looking into - or rather really want go to - this clinic in GA that might really be able to help me... much better then the year my dr is giving me. The head doctor there is a christian and is willing to cut me a deal - my insurance will not cover treatment. He will charge me $3000 a week plus any supplements and tests that need to be ran (or if there are any complications)
The first course is 6 weeks ($18,000 for treatment alone)
then 6-8 weeks later I would return for 2 weeks
3 months later back again for 2 weeks
(if those 3 months went well)
then back every 3 months for a 2 week course of treatments for a year
then every 6 months for 2 years... as you can see it will be really expensive.
I have some friends who are going to try to raise funds for me and have asked me to post where people can send money
For anyone who is wanting to donate towards this you can send it to
Melanie Decker
C/O Marine Credit Union
P.O. Box 510
Waupun, WI 53963
thank you all for your prayers and help
The first course is 6 weeks ($18,000 for treatment alone)
then 6-8 weeks later I would return for 2 weeks
3 months later back again for 2 weeks
(if those 3 months went well)
then back every 3 months for a 2 week course of treatments for a year
then every 6 months for 2 years... as you can see it will be really expensive.
I have some friends who are going to try to raise funds for me and have asked me to post where people can send money
For anyone who is wanting to donate towards this you can send it to
Melanie Decker
C/O Marine Credit Union
P.O. Box 510
Waupun, WI 53963
thank you all for your prayers and help
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